Sunday, March 29, 2015

Roller coaster of a day (LONG)

More joys and fears. I go in for Beta 4 and they call me in for blood almost right away. Takes me longer to park and walk from the car. Great start! Nurse calls me during church. Fortunately, I'm sitting on the aisle, so I whisper to wait a second  into the phone and then speed walk out of the sanctuary. Nurse V (not my usual one) tells me Beta is 800. Wow. She doesn't have my estrogen level but doesn't give off any worried vibes. She tells me to schedule my scan tomorrow and that minus my first beta, my rises are textbook. Even greater news!

I decide not to worry about the estrogen and just enjoy being pregnant. I actually post on a pregnant after infertility board. 

And then I start spotting again. Ugh. It would be nice to be like those people who sneeze and get pregnant, and never worry about viability. My sorority sister told her manager the minute she was confirmed at 4 weeks! My whole family knew my sister was pregnant with her first at 5 weeks. Instead, I get to be concerned about every little twinge. I really don't like being neurotic. I want totally calm, serene. But now I have to call the doctor on call because I am feeling weird twinges and spotting and the panic sets in. 

Dr. P tells me that my beta is great and the ectopic concerns aren't really there anymore since the beta number is so fantastic now. Also that my estrogen has gone up a little more. That's a bit of a comfort. 

Damn spotting scares the crap out of me. 


Saturday, March 28, 2015

If it ain't one thing...

...it's another. 

I've taken a few days to write to process where I am. 

I'm pregnant. 

So excited to say that. Beta #3 yesterday. Nurse calls me at 4:15, way later than she normally does. Beta is 300!!! It's quadrupled again. I'm actually excited!

Then she says, my estrogen is really low. So I have to go back tomorrow. Praying that beta doubles and my E2 goes up. So I can stay pregnant. Lord have mercy. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

15dp3dt

I am hereby declaring myself insane. Was so happy to hear the news from the nurse and the doctor that beta had risen, especially since my neighbor told me that the doctor only calls with good news (I won't tell you how I felt when I saw the nurse's number on Monday). 

But I digress... Where was I? Oh yes... Innnnssssaaaaanne. I have been "POAS"ing (peeing on a stick-way to refer to taking home pregnancy tests) since Friday. So it's Thursday and I've taken 4:
- Friday morning
- Monday afternoon 
- Tuesday morning (though not first pee)
- Wednesday evening

I even plan to go to the store to get a digital one so I can see the word. 

Even worse is the fact that I still have them all and take pictures to compare (see below). 

Yep. Certifiable. 





Wednesday, March 25, 2015

14dp3dt - Still in the game

So just heard back from the nurse. Beta quadrupled to 71.6!!! I have to go back on Friday for number three. I remain prayerfully thankful and optimistic :). 

Monday, March 23, 2015

Beta day - optimism (LONG)

Today I am 13dp3dt. Yesterday was my Beta day. 

I have been a little quiet for the last few days; mainly because I tested early (on Friday) and got a big fat negative test. I knew that it wasn't over, and didn't want to obsess. 

On Saturday, however, I started cramping and spotting. I just knew it was over then, but I held it together even though I was a little sad. 

Decided to take yesterday off so that I could be emotional away from the office if necessary. Originally, I was just going to turn off my phone, but I decided that the longer I have to deal it before returning to work, the better. My neighbor told me that if the nurse calls, its negative, but the doctor will call with positive news. I recollect that B's mom didn't know she was pregnant until 5 months because she was still getting what she thought was a light period, and I have a little hope. I say a fervent prayer. 

B is giving me lots of hugs and kisses, but I don't really want to be bothered. 
I am trying to hold it together and am afraid the extra shows of affection will make me lose it. 

My phone rings about 2 and I see the nurse's number. I already know what she's going to tell me... 

Except I don't. She's starts off with, "Unfortunately, I don't have good news for you... It's positive, but the number is low."

Wait... POSITIVE?!?!

So, I'm actually pregnant.  I have to go back on Wednesday to repeat the test, and am praying and hoping that the number keeps going up. I relate the news to B and he's super cocky now; he keeps telling me that I have to have faith and know that I will be OK regardless. He doesn't get that just because I'm a little sad doesn't mean that I'm not OK. 

Except, that I'm no longer sad. I know the nurse is trying to be cautious, but I have to get this far in order to keep going.  I go upstairs and take another test... and see a faint blue line. First time ever! And for the first time in a long while I am truly optimistic. 

Thursday, March 19, 2015

8dp3dt

I was trying to publish every day so that those feverishly searching the web for symptoms might have a list to go by, but I fell asleep yesterday. Was totally sick at work yesterday and still feeling out of sorts. Completely my fault; I'm not used to fried food anymore. 

Today, I'm feeling queasy and my stomach hurts, but that is likely from yesterday. Sleepy, even though I slept for a reasonable time. Have a bruise on one cheek from the shots. 

I may test tomorrow instead of waiting for Sunday. Stay tuned...

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

6dp3dt

Good morning and Happy St. Patrick's Day! It is 7:11, and my head is still under the covers. Should be up, but I'm a little tired; not sleeping well. Of course, I'm actually awake since I'm blogging, but the covers are over my head ;). 

I have my green all picked out--I'm not Irish, but it's fun anyway. Some luck this week would be nice as I continue waiting. 

Temperature appears to be back up today. Will watch it for the next few days. 

Had a dream that I decided to test this morning and it was positive. Got super excited. Didn't realize it was a dream until I woke up to tell B *insert eye roll here*. Talked myself out of actually testing this morning. 

Still having period-like symptoms (cramping, BMs). Last night had a small, grayish little mass when wiping... The optimistic part of me is thinking maybe a part of the zona pellucida didn't disintegrate before being discharged. 

Fingers crossed...

Monday, March 16, 2015

5dp3dt

I'm feeling kind of down today. My BBT has been lower the past couple of days and I'm crampy. Trying to stay positive. 

Have more milky discharge. Progesterone shots are starting to hurt


Sunday, March 15, 2015

4dp3dt

How the time just drags. As of now, I've decided to test next Sunday, the day before my scheduled test. Also, I may not answer the phone on Monday if it rings while I'm at work. My neighbor told me that the dr will call if I'm pregnant; else it's the nurse. Since his number is usually blocked, if I see a missed call from the office, I will know right away. Maybe I'll turn my phone completely off. 

Symptoms today:
White discharge, the color/consistency of milk
Enlarged inner labia
Slight headache

Also feeling slightly dehydrated, which is strange given the water I'm drinking. 

Some indigestion, but that has to do with eating a whole slice of lemon meringue cheesecake yesterday...

Also, have no idea what possessed me to try to do a cervical self exam today. Instant irritation and cramps! This is what happens when you try to find something to do to occupy your mind/time...

Saturday, March 14, 2015

3dp3dt

Don't have too much to say today, so I figured I'd just take note of my symptoms/side effects for now. Lots of lower abdominal pressure. Still bloated/gassy (it's amazing how much better I feel after the tiniest burp). Constipated (thanks progesterone! 😒) and a sore backside today--since B wasn't home yesterday, I had to do my shot myself. Couldn't reach the left side to save my life, so I had to do it on the right, which was the same side as the day before. Oh, the things we do.... Can't...stop...peeing! At least 5 times between 11 pm and 6 am. There's not that much water in the world. End result will be soon worth it. Praying that I have a nice 6 day blastocyst snuggling in!

Friday, March 13, 2015

2dp3dt - transfer details LONG

It's 5:30 am on the second day after my transfer (2 days post-3-day transfer, as the title of this post indicates). Since I'm awake, I figured I would share some details. 

During retrieval they told us that they would call on Wednesday at tell us if transfer would be that day, and that they are usually after 2 pm. I decide to go in the office so I am close by and ask B is he coming to be there or just afterwards to pick me up. He says he will be there. 

I find out at 12:15 that they want me to go up at 2, and i text him immediately. He calls me back at 12:55... He still has to shower.  Why would he wait until the last minute?!?!

I go up, and tell them that I'm waiting for my husband before I change. No problem. He gets there, then I go change and they take my vitals. 140/74! I've never had that high a blood pressure in my life!  The nurse asks me if I'm anxious about the procedure. I guess so! The woman next to me makes eye contact to wish me good luck, and I do the same. 

Back into the waiting room to drink more water for the requisite full bladder, then they call me again. No, B stays here. Oops! That different from my experience at the other place. Looks like he may have rushed unnecessarily. 

Go through the big white doors to another waiting area, where there are two people waiting already. The first one goes in, then the second. I'm noticing the pattern of when they are going to call the next person. Two more people come in, and we start talking, wishing each other luck.  Now it's my turn. 

I'm instructed to walk into this room that looks like it's the same one the retrieval was in. Everyone is in high spirits. Dr. C introduces himself and tells me he will do my transfer. Dr. L re-introduces herself to me and tells me that she will do my ultrasound. She knows that it will be uncomfortable with my bladder full, but not to pee on her; "pee on Dr. C instead."  I have to laugh. 

In goes the speculum and a catheter. Dr. L shows me the tip of the catheter on the ultrasound screen. Dr. C shows me a picture of the embryo...8 cells!!!! I'm really happy now, as that's better than the last time. Excitement kicks in big time. 

The embryologist comes in with the dish, and Dr. C inserts the embryo. They check to confirm that there's nothing left in the dish or tubes, and then I'm done. The nurse wishes me luck. Shifted to a mobile bed and wheeled to recovery. I turn my head and wave to the women waiting as we pass by and get thumbs up and best wishes in return. 

They call B into recovery to sit with me. He is amazed that it's done already and questions why he had to get there early. I brush off the comments and he goes back to his game on his phone. After half hour, a nurse comes in and says I can get dressed and go ether bathroom. So glad I was sparing with the water!

Dressed and on our way. A little crampy, but manageable. 

Now the wait begins. Had dinner with a former colleague last night, who is 6 months pregnant. Wanted to say, "I'm pregnant, too!" Hoping and praying that it's the case. Will find out in 10 more days. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Transfer day

Had my transfer today. It deserves a long post, but I'm not in the mood for it right now... Not in a bad mood, just don't feel like typing too long. Will give a comprehensive update later (probably tomorrow). 

Monday, March 9, 2015

What's luck got to do with it?

Waiting for retrieval yesterday, a doctor came in and began talking to this woman about the surgery he had done on her partner. He wanted to make sure he was ok... That sort of thing. As he left, he said, "Good luck today."

Luck. Hmmm. That started me thinking. Egg meets sperm. Sperm fertilized egg isn't that science? Or is it all really just magic? Why are some people born wealthy, and some poor? Is it the luck of the draw that people have kids they don't want, while others suffer through infertility? Who draws on my behalf? If This is the Lord's decision, why is this a cross that I must bear?

So now I've had my fertilization (fert) report: 3M retrieved, 2 fertilized, 1 normal. So I will hopefully be transferring one on Wednesday. 

These are the exact same numbers I got on the cycle that actually made it to transfer 3 years ago. 

Just a my luck. 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Trigger Happy

Sitting waiting to be seen for retrieval, so thought I'd recap the trigger. Last time I did it myself, but this time I told B that it was his job. 

Except it was one of his best friend's birthday weekends, and they were going to an after work thing, and he wasn't planning to be home at 11 when I had to trigger. I told him to go and I would do it myself. 

Mixing the HCG at 10:45, and in walks B. He came back specifically to give me the shot. Intramuscular with a 1.5" needle. He puts it in halfway. I tell him to keep going... and he pulls it out. I turn around more to ask him what he was doing, and he accidentally pricks me with the same needle right next to the spot he just pulled it from. Ugh!

Ok, third time... Halfway in again. I tell him to keep going... and he does ...very slowly. But finally it's in. 

He says he's ready to give me the progesterone shots, and the trigger was just a warm up. 

Lord help me. 😝

Friday, March 6, 2015

A little bit of knowledge...

...is a dangerous thing. Looking at my phone. I have no less than 6, count 'em: s-i-x apps tracking my cycles and fertility. all with slightly different nuances, but a little overkill nonetheless. Maybe I should I write my own... But I digress. One of the apps has an IVF cycle phase option, and tidbits of information pop up when you enter things like number of follicles, hormone levels, etc. One popped up that said mature follicles produce 200-300mg/ml of Estrogen. Naturally, I start worrying about my levels. Then I put in <4 follicles, and a stat comes up about the lack of success with that number. Super-encouraging, right? I've been meditating recently on how negative perspectives can drive negative outcomes. Maybe I should trash that app.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Quick update

I met up with some of my old colleagues last week. Got to hear that I look fabulous, and that leaving agrees with me. Felt good to have my decision validated that way. Sad that things have imploded and they all want to leave as well. As of now, I'm still stimming. I had a moment of feeling defeat when my E2 levels dropped, but it turned out that it was a byproduct of removing the Estrogen patch. I am becoming a total insomniac on my monitoring days, basically laying in the bed waiting for the alarm to go off. One nurse told me to get used to the sleepless nights. From her lips to God's ears... ;-)