Don't you want a baby?

My cousins (in-law) are moving to Cali, and had a going away celebration on Saturday.  I'd never met  her mom before then, when I was introduced as B's wife.  She offers me the seat next to her, and then asks in a hesitant voice, "Don't you want a baby?"

I took a line from my mom's favorite phrase and said, "If it happens...".  Inside, I feel like the bandage has been ripped off.  Family gatherings are getting harder and harder... two weeks ago, someone asked me if there was a bun in the oven yet. In front of a group of people.

I don't say that I would be pregnant except for the miscarriage... funny how conscious I am about making people feel uncomfortable when they don't seem to get how they are making me feel. I don't say that I want one so badly that I'm doing multiple injections a night and paying thousands of dollars for the chance to maybe have one. I don't mention B rearranging schedules to give samples and popping his own share of pills.

I don't mention that there are so many hopes pinned on the next 7 days... U/s yesterday shows 2 follicles ~ 11.5 and 4 > 10.  I pray that they keep growing and that we end up with more than one.

Or at least one that grows into a baby that we finally get to take home.