Just another day

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post.  I thought about posting a week or so ago, and fell asleep.

Not much going on right now as I wait for October/November to come around.  I don't know if I am discontent because the time is passing and I'm not pregnant and every day gets me closer, or if that's just the icing on the cake. My stepdad's family barbecue is tomorrow.  I went last year for the first time, and remember hoping that I would pregnant by this year's. And I almost was.

This is hard.  I didn't want this blog to be a total "woe is me" thing, but sometimes it feels like that's what it is.  Perhaps it's just easier to get out this way, without worrying if someone is judging me.

Saw the musical Wicked on Wednesday.  For those who haven't seen it, it makes you see The Wizard of Oz in a whole new light.  For those who have, maybe I should try looking at things a different way.

Maybe I should try defying gravity.

Thoughts and updates

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post.  I thought about posting a couple of times but then I would feel a little down and I didn't want to be too "woe is me".  Also, I'm feeling a little like I'm letting infertility define who I am as a person.  While it is a part of who I am, I'm hoping that it doesn't last forever...

So I still want to be a mom. And I still want to give birth.  I have my WTF appointment next week, so I will hear what Dr E. has to say.  I'm starting to wrap my head around maybe having to do a donor cycle. In the meantime, I'm taking the summer off from assisted reproductive technologies and working on losing 10 pounds.

Now on to the potentially interesting stuff.  On Thursday, spoke with a former colleague M who works at SM Co, the company I left last September.  She is really unhappy there and tried to apply to some positions where I am now, but wasn't accepted. While I was speaking with her, I looked on the website of HM Co and mentioned that there is another friend of mine that works there... low and behold, there is a Project Manager position.  I told M that I would speak with him.  So I text him that I see there is a PM position there, and I wanted info, to which he replies, "Please come here!!!".

Wow.  I called him Thursday night, and we spoke for a while.  I mentioned the position for M and he told me what that group was (not his) and what the salary range with likely be.  I knew M would jump at it... I would.

Then he tells me that his group has a horrible program manager and that he wants me to work with his group. O.M.G.  To say it would open up other opportunities for me would be an understatement.

If it were just about the money, I would say that I probably wouldn't last there long. But I'm not super happy where I am now, mainly because I feel like my manager is taking all the plum assignments and giving me the crap.  I already knew that I had an expiration date on my time here, so now I'm super excited about what could be.  Fingers crossed.

Negative Beta day +1

Today is a sucky day. I have a headache from crying and from messing up my sleep pattern (laid down at 8. Don't know what time I fell asleep, but I woke up at 3:30am and have been up for the last few hours. 

I've had failed cycles before, but this one hurt more. Maybe because it's so close to the miscarriage; after all, I was pregnant less than three months ago. 

B says that he thinks I should give my body a break and get back on my food and exercise regimen. I agree on the exercise piece. I don't know what I want to do about food/supplements though. I'm tired of popping pills in the hopes that my reserve/quality will be good enough. I'm tired of going through cycles and getting one egg. I'm just tired of being disappointed and hurt. And taking time off won't help much, either: I'm 40. I've had reproductive system issues since I was 20. In the past 3 years I've had a myomectomy, 4 failed IVF cycles and a miscarriage. Isn't the definition of stupidity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? 

I just feel really defeated and don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I know that miracles happen; I just wonder if it's in my cards. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother. I just don't understand why He would let me want something so much if it weren't for me. I wish I knew. Maybe that would help me not to feel so down. 

Beta day - down and out

Well, I just got the news from the nurse.  Not pregnant.  Glad I didn't POAS and waste it.  Woman drawing blood today said it was a good cycle for a lot of people. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

IF wins again.

11dp3dt - even more anxious

Second post today; will probably post twice tomorrow as well. 

We were on the road and I got really gassy and had serious cramps. Went to the bathroom and was spotting. So now I'm worried that I'm out. I'm thinking about taking an HPT in the morning since I'm already distracted. I don't know...

11dp3dt and nervous

Beta tomorrow. Tomorrow we will find out if the cycle worked and if we are that much closer to being parents. Symptoms: milky CM, slightly heavy boobs.  And I'm crampy again... Took Tyl.enol yesterday because they hurt.  My mind is telling me that they are different from PMS cramps, and I've seen no blood at all.  I pray that I'm right.  B says that I have to be fine either way, and I will try. I'm just praying that we have cause to celebrate.

10dp3dt and a long post

Met one of my SIL's friends for the first time yesterday. Of course she asks if we have kids and what are we waiting for...  Lovely, but not the worst I heard for the day. The topic of Kanye & Kim's gender selection came up between me and SIL's eldest daughter... which segued

into comments about how "unnatural" IVF is and how if it can't happen people should just accept it. Fun day. 

Sometimes I want to blurt out, "I'm waiting for me NOT to miscarry" so they are the uncomfortable ones. B diverted the questions this time, which I appreciated. 

I also wanted to say to my niece that it's doubly hard for her to understand because she and two of her three sisters  were teenage moms (the other actually hit 20 before the baby was born) and her brother was a teenage dad. B is the only one who went to and graduated from college. So they look at me and think I have it all... Of course, I will admit that aside from dealing with IF, I've lived a pretty charmed life by most people's standards (B has actually said that to me before-- like I didn't know). I tried to remind myself that almost everything EXCEPT child bearing has been hard for them (of course, a lot of it is self-inflicted, but I try very hard not to be judgemental). It's just tiring. 

As far as cycle goes, I'm crampy and have heaps of CM. AF was officially due yesterday. I was a little sad yesterday when the cramps started and I felt a lot of moisture, but when I saw it was CM, I was happy. Today, it's milky again and I think cervix is high, which is also a good sign. I hope this means AF's taking a year long vacation that ends with a mini me 😏. I tested the trigger out this past Tuesday. Last cycle, I tested the Saturday before but I am thinking I will wait. I have a big meeting Monday morning, and I want to stay focused. I'm taking off Monday afternoon, though, so will be home when I get the call. Fingers, toes, eyes crossed. Let me see if I can find something else to cross as well. 😉