Congratulations, you’re pregnant

Those were my nurse’s words to me on Tuesday. First time I ever heard them, so I’m cautiously optimistic. Second Beta yesterday was 611, and she said it looks great, so I don’t have to go in until Tuesday. I’ll be more hopeful after next Thursday’s ultrasound and breathe a sigh of relief after 6 weeks 2 days. We’ll be officially out once we hit the 8 week marker, and that’s when the rest of the family will find out. 21 days to go. This may be harder than the 2ww. Thank goodness I’ll have a new job to keep me busy. 😁

For those on the symptom watch, I’m super tired, but sleep in mostly  3-4 hour intervals and then awake. Some bloating. Have to pee ALL. The. Time.  That’s accompanied by being majorly thirsty (thus a vicious cycle)  Lower back is aching  and I’ve got a few red pimples that have popped up across my nose (I have really clear skin, and only get the occasional period pimples so this can only be hormones). Still intermittent crampiness, but zero spotting so I’m much less anxious. Felt slight queasiness yesterday, which went away after too long. Breasts feel like full water balloons swinging in the wind.

Loving every minute of it. 

New year, new job, new...mini me?

So long, 2017.  Happy to see it go like yesterday's trash.

It's been a very busy December.  I did a final interview for a new job, and am pleased as punch that they offered it to me right before Christmas.  So the day after my embryo transfer, I took myself to a fingerprinting place for my background check.  On the 26th, I gave my official notice, and will start the new position in a couple of weeks.  Happy joy!

Last Saturday, I started to feel really crampy. Very little spotting, but way crampy. Sunday, mega crampy, in a way that made Saturday feel like I was being tickled.  I was pretty sure it was the d@mn adenomyosis rearing it's ugly head.  It can happen at any time, but right before AF is when it's at its absolute worse. Took two extra strength Tylenol, and slept with the heating pad.

Beta was this morning, and I was sitting here trying to decide if I would post as soon as I knew, or if I would wait and see how I felt.  After reading a great article,  I decided I would share. After all, there are more people looking for hope in the nasty world of IF than there are people who know my face, and if I am able to provide even a little sliver, it's totally worth it.

I've written all the above while I wait and hope.  What an exercise in patience (which I don't always have)!

Funny how when the phone starts ringing, it doesn't stop.  Received four calls, one after the other. while soaking to two at a time, I see my nurse calling.  "I have good news for you," she says. "Congratulations, you're pregnant." First Beta: 320.

Yay, 2018!

Negative Beta day +1

Today is a sucky day. I have a headache from crying and from messing up my sleep pattern (laid down at 8. Don't know what time I fell asleep, but I woke up at 3:30am and have been up for the last few hours. 

I've had failed cycles before, but this one hurt more. Maybe because it's so close to the miscarriage; after all, I was pregnant less than three months ago. 

B says that he thinks I should give my body a break and get back on my food and exercise regimen. I agree on the exercise piece. I don't know what I want to do about food/supplements though. I'm tired of popping pills in the hopes that my reserve/quality will be good enough. I'm tired of going through cycles and getting one egg. I'm just tired of being disappointed and hurt. And taking time off won't help much, either: I'm 40. I've had reproductive system issues since I was 20. In the past 3 years I've had a myomectomy, 4 failed IVF cycles and a miscarriage. Isn't the definition of stupidity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? 

I just feel really defeated and don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I know that miracles happen; I just wonder if it's in my cards. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother. I just don't understand why He would let me want something so much if it weren't for me. I wish I knew. Maybe that would help me not to feel so down. 

Beta day - down and out

Well, I just got the news from the nurse.  Not pregnant.  Glad I didn't POAS and waste it.  Woman drawing blood today said it was a good cycle for a lot of people. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

IF wins again.

A little bit pregnant...

This is what the nurse said to me when she told me my beta... "You're still a little bit pregnant." Beta is down to 6.36. So I'll be back next week to check again. 

5 weeks 4 days pregnant - lots of thoughts

I've had a multitude of emotions over the last few days. So many conversations with doctors where I they tell me one thing looks good, but something else is iffy. I go from being calm to anxious to excited to numb. I've spotted or bled almost every day.  I wish there was a label that told me when to worry and when everything was fine. 

Dr. L is the fellow who did the ultrasound during my transfer. I saw her yesterday when I was bleeding. She told me my HCG levels should be double what they were and the bleeding could be my body aborting. Great conversation. 

Well they took my blood again. Dr. E calls me yesterday evening and says that my HCG went to 4342, so it doesn't look ectopic. It more than doubled in a day!

This morning Dr. L calls me and tells me that my HCG levels look normal, so that's really good. Also that they are going to have me go to the hospital and do am ultrasound, which will be read by the head of the radiology department. He will let us know if it's ectopic and should be able to see the sac. So in the next 3.5 hours, I should know something.

I may post twice today. Just had to get it out. This blog and my IF friends are the only ways to really get this out. Sadly, only someone who has been through this really and truly gets it. 

Random thought - 5 weeks & 3 days pregnant

Short post today. Have an appointment tomorrow, and will fill you in then on the appointments, E2 levels, spotting, etc. So before I lost 27 pounds, I have had people ask me if I was pregnant on occasion. My answer was always, "No; I'm just fat". I will probably just ask why they ask as opposed to sharing at this point, but at least I won't get my feelings hurt ;)

Roller coaster of a day (LONG)

More joys and fears. I go in for Beta 4 and they call me in for blood almost right away. Takes me longer to park and walk from the car. Great start! Nurse calls me during church. Fortunately, I'm sitting on the aisle, so I whisper to wait a second  into the phone and then speed walk out of the sanctuary. Nurse V (not my usual one) tells me Beta is 800. Wow. She doesn't have my estrogen level but doesn't give off any worried vibes. She tells me to schedule my scan tomorrow and that minus my first beta, my rises are textbook. Even greater news!

I decide not to worry about the estrogen and just enjoy being pregnant. I actually post on a pregnant after infertility board. 

And then I start spotting again. Ugh. It would be nice to be like those people who sneeze and get pregnant, and never worry about viability. My sorority sister told her manager the minute she was confirmed at 4 weeks! My whole family knew my sister was pregnant with her first at 5 weeks. Instead, I get to be concerned about every little twinge. I really don't like being neurotic. I want totally calm, serene. But now I have to call the doctor on call because I am feeling weird twinges and spotting and the panic sets in. 

Dr. P tells me that my beta is great and the ectopic concerns aren't really there anymore since the beta number is so fantastic now. Also that my estrogen has gone up a little more. That's a bit of a comfort. 

Damn spotting scares the crap out of me. 

If it ain't one thing...

...it's another. 

I've taken a few days to write to process where I am. 

I'm pregnant. 

So excited to say that. Beta #3 yesterday. Nurse calls me at 4:15, way later than she normally does. Beta is 300!!! It's quadrupled again. I'm actually excited!

Then she says, my estrogen is really low. So I have to go back tomorrow. Praying that beta doubles and my E2 goes up. So I can stay pregnant. Lord have mercy. 

15dp3dt

I am hereby declaring myself insane. Was so happy to hear the news from the nurse and the doctor that beta had risen, especially since my neighbor told me that the doctor only calls with good news (I won't tell you how I felt when I saw the nurse's number on Monday). 

But I digress... Where was I? Oh yes... Innnnssssaaaaanne. I have been "POAS"ing (peeing on a stick-way to refer to taking home pregnancy tests) since Friday. So it's Thursday and I've taken 4:

- Friday morning

- Monday afternoon 

- Tuesday morning (though not first pee)

- Wednesday evening

I even plan to go to the store to get a digital one so I can see the word. 

Even worse is the fact that I still have them all and take pictures to compare (see below). 

Yep. Certifiable. 

14dp3dt - Still in the game

So just heard back from the nurse. Beta quadrupled to 71.6!!! I have to go back on Friday for number three. I remain prayerfully thankful and optimistic :). 

Beta day - optimism (LONG)

Today I am 13dp3dt. Yesterday was my Beta day. 

I have been a little quiet for the last few days; mainly because I tested early (on Friday) and got a big fat negative test. I knew that it wasn't over, and didn't want to obsess. 

On Saturday, however, I started cramping and spotting. I just knew it was over then, but I held it together even though I was a little sad. 

Decided to take yesterday off so that I could be emotional away from the office if necessary. Originally, I was just going to turn off my phone, but I decided that the longer I have to deal it before returning to work, the better. My neighbor told me that if the nurse calls, its negative, but the doctor will call with positive news. I recollect that B's mom didn't know she was pregnant until 5 months because she was still getting what she thought was a light period, and I have a little hope. I say a fervent prayer. 

B is giving me lots of hugs and kisses, but I don't really want to be bothered. 

I am trying to hold it together and am afraid the extra shows of affection will make me lose it. 

My phone rings about 2 and I see the nurse's number. I already know what she's going to tell me... 

Except I don't. She's starts off with, "Unfortunately, I don't have good news for you... It's positive, but the number is low."

Wait... POSITIVE?!?!

So, I'm actually pregnant.  I have to go back on Wednesday to repeat the test, and am praying and hoping that the number keeps going up. I relate the news to B and he's super cocky now; he keeps telling me that I have to have faith and know that I will be OK regardless. He doesn't get that just because I'm a little sad doesn't mean that I'm not OK. 

Except, that I'm no longer sad. I know the nurse is trying to be cautious, but I have to get this far in order to keep going.  I go upstairs and take another test... and see a faint blue line. First time ever! And for the first time in a long while I am truly optimistic.