Went to see my pastor yesterday. Started crying before I could even get it out. After I told him and we were talking, he cried with me. I told him that I haven't cried like this since my grandfather died, so I guess I was overdue. To that he said that grief is cumulative, so that I'm mourning his loss again as well. Imagine that.
I also told him that I'd love to cry nonstop for like 24 hours and then be a normal person again, but I know it doesn't work that way. I also know that it's part of the healing process. I'm just tired, I guess. Insomnia will do that to you.
I have to decide whether or not to have a D&C. When I was younger, I only knew this as an abortion. My heart rebels a little at doing this, but a friend who has had 2 miscarriages said that it can be helpful to know what may have gone wrong, and she wishes she'd done it earlier. Plus It avoids the pain of passing the remaining lining. I have to decide soon.
Just got the results of the beta HCG that my doctor took on Tuesday afternoon. It dropped from. 11,996 at the hospital to 6000 eleven hours later. My nurse didn't see the notes with the emergency room level, so she called me yesterday to say it went up. Ugh.
One day I will write down the horrific ER experience I had, but not today. Today I'm just going to pray that it gets a little easier. A quote from Sleepless in Seattle just popped into my head:
Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
I got out of bed yesterday, and left the house. I know I'm not in a dark place; just a sad one. Intellectually, I know that trouble doesn't last always. I also know that I'm not the first person to go through this. I just wasn't really prepared for this particular valley.
Lord, give me strength.
