Feeling much better

I called the doctor's office yesterday, and they called me in. Turns out that the pain was me passing the lining, and I'm just about done. So my body is super efficient in that way. They also gave me a prescription painkiller, which helped through the night and this morning. 

My HCG is now 760, so all physical traces may be gone pretty soon. Dr. E spoke to me yesterday, and said that he wants to touch base in a few weeks about next steps. He seems eager to try again.

I am on my way to work today for the first time. I told B that he would be able to get some work done since I wasn't curled up underneath him. He just patted my leg. One unexpected but good thing is that I feel like this has brought us even closer. 

I feel like tonight/tomorrow will be the hardest time. I will try to keep busy and hope these days pass quickly. 

It's been an interesting week. 

So much pain

This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Emotionally, I've been through the ringer. Physically, I've never felt pain like this before in my life. Tylenol, heat... Nothing helps. Hurts so much that I'm nauseous. I've just called the dr's office. There's got to be something they can do. 

Grieving

It's 5 am, and I'm awake. Not particularly helpful to know that I'm not having a bad dream. I think I prefer the unconscious world right now. Would be nice if I could stay asleep. 

Went to see my pastor yesterday. Started crying before I could even get it out. After I told him and we were talking, he cried with me. I told him that I haven't cried like this since my grandfather died, so I guess I was overdue. To that he said that grief is cumulative, so that I'm mourning his loss again as well. Imagine that. 

I also told him that I'd love to cry nonstop for like 24 hours and then be a normal person again, but I know it doesn't work that way. I also know that it's part of the healing process. I'm just tired, I guess. Insomnia will do that to you. 

I have to decide whether or not to have a D&C. When I was younger, I only knew this as an abortion. My heart rebels a little at doing this, but a friend who has had 2 miscarriages said that it can be helpful  to know what may have gone wrong, and she wishes she'd done it earlier. Plus It avoids the pain of passing the remaining lining. I have to decide soon. 

Just got the results of the beta HCG that my doctor took on Tuesday afternoon. It dropped from. 11,996 at the hospital to 6000 eleven hours later. My nurse didn't see the notes with the emergency room level, so she called me yesterday to say it went up. Ugh. 

One day I will write down the horrific ER experience I had, but not today. Today I'm just going to pray that it gets a little easier. A quote from Sleepless in Seattle just popped into my head:  

   Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every    morning... breathe in and out all day   long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. 

I got out of bed yesterday, and left the house. I know I'm not in a dark place; just a sad one. Intellectually, I know that trouble doesn't last always. I also know that I'm not the first person to go through this. I just wasn't really prepared for this particular valley. 

Lord, give me strength. 

A night in the ER

I don't know how long this post will be, because I don't know how I'm feeling right now. 

After bleeding and passing some clots, I decided that I had to go to the ER. It's been a long night. 

Well, they want me to follow up with my doctor to be sure, but they said that they don't see anything in my uterus. Cervix is still closed, and Beta is over 11000. But they are not seeing anything but "interference". 

There is a tiny part of me that wants to cling to the hope that they just didn't know what they were doing in this $h*thole of a hospital, and that the ultrasound tech at my regular doctor's will find it. The rest of me just sits and cries. 

I haven't decided which I prefer - not being successful, or saying an early goodbye.