To test or not to test...

...that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the (stings) and arrows of outrageous misfortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
by waiting until my Beta. ...To wait, to test;
to test, perchance to know--ay, there's the rub:
For in that death of ignorance what other dreams may die?


Ahh, Hamlet! Somehow I don't think that Shakespeare knew how apropos this (paraphrased) soliloquy would be in the IVF world.  Anyone in a 2ww can relate, I'm sure. Beta next week. Time will tell outcome,  home test or no.

If I can stand to wait.

Things have been looking up.

Looks to be a bit of a good spell. I’m responding pretty well to the meds, so things are moving along. Picked up my new car in time for the snowy weather (thank you all wheel drive!) . Currently waiting for a job offer from a new company. 

2018 may be looking way up, indeed. 

And so it begins (again)...

its been a very long while since I posted. It’s been two and a half years of ups and downs.  For those who are currently going through loss, I will say that you do, eventually, “get over it”.  Not that you forget by any means, but the overwhelming sense of pain and loss does dull.  So there is hope.

I had surgery last year for a pretty large fibroid (size of a grapefruit and over a pound).  My RE thought that would help my chances. Time will tell on that score.  All I can say for now is that what followed was the most painful convalescence I’ve ever experienced.  It appears that I developed a condition called Adenomyosis, which means I have endometrial tissue in the wall of my uterus.  Periods feel like I’m miscarrying all over again (that painful!), but I can also have sudden pains when I don’t have my period, which is the WORST!!! I’ve been taking various prescribed narcotics to deal with the pain, and have now decided to go for broke.  Need to try again, before I completely give up and just have the plumbing removed, which is under serious contemplation.

So I’m on Lupron, and beginning a new cycle. I’ve decided I’m not going to blog daily about treatment this time, in an effort to preserve my sanity. So only periodic updates will be in effect. Of course, if I end up pregnant all bets are off 😏.

In other news, my new car was totaled. Be careful of 18-wheelers on a highway merge.  And try to get their plate number before they drive off.

I wasn’t driving and can therefore be much more sanguine about it. I’m choking on the two down payments in one year as we pay for an IVF cycle out of pocket, but at least we walked away with only a couple of bruises. This, too, shall pass.

Happy belated Thanksgiving. Time for a shot...

New year, ... New try?

Six weeks in, and it's been a back and forth. My phone was stolen on New Year's, which is a horrible start. I hit the 40 pound weight loss mark, but then went on vacation and gained several pounds back. At last weigh-in, I'd lost 37 pounds, and it will take a diligence I don't have right now to fight for those other 3. We'll see what happens. 

I spoke to B about cycling again. I'm not sure how he feels about, though. So IDK what's going to happen. Or if I will even blog about it, frankly. 

I guess time will tell. 

Happy Holidays?

This is always an interesting time of year, and this time is no different. I've been pretty OK over the last month, though there was a moment when I was in a funny place, but that's a comment for another day. 

Someone from a FB group that I'm in sent an email to the group that said she was thinking of (those of us with IF) and sending us hugs. I know she had a really difficult time and ended up finally being successful with a donor cycle, so I know it came from a good place. And I know she didn't mean it this way, but my mind added "you poor things (to be pitied)" at the end of it. This is a sucky place to be. 

It is what it is, though; this too shall pass, I hope. 

Looking forward to the days when these holidays are really happy again. 

Due date

Today is my EDD (expected due date). Not likely to have been the actual day, since the surgeon who did my

myomectomy said that I would have to have a c-section. 

Fortunately, I'm feeling OK today. A little wistful, but haven't fallen apart. Which is huge progress. It doesn't guarantee that tomorrow won't be harder, but it's progress nonetheless. 

Going to sleep now, but will write more soon. Lots going on. 

Faith come alive

That's the name of a song I was listening to this morning. I don't know if it's a lack of faith, or if it's a question of whether or not my prayers will be answered (how I want them to).  

It's clearly a question I don't expect an answer to today. My pastor told me that part of the answer comes with constant prayer and patience. So grant me patience, Lord... but hurry!

I saw that written on a bumper sticker one day. How apropos.