New year, new job, new...mini me?

So long, 2017.  Happy to see it go like yesterday's trash.

It's been a very busy December.  I did a final interview for a new job, and am pleased as punch that they offered it to me right before Christmas.  So the day after my embryo transfer, I took myself to a fingerprinting place for my background check.  On the 26th, I gave my official notice, and will start the new position in a couple of weeks.  Happy joy!

Last Saturday, I started to feel really crampy. Very little spotting, but way crampy. Sunday, mega crampy, in a way that made Saturday feel like I was being tickled.  I was pretty sure it was the d@mn adenomyosis rearing it's ugly head.  It can happen at any time, but right before AF is when it's at its absolute worse. Took two extra strength Tylenol, and slept with the heating pad.

Beta was this morning, and I was sitting here trying to decide if I would post as soon as I knew, or if I would wait and see how I felt.  After reading a great article,  I decided I would share. After all, there are more people looking for hope in the nasty world of IF than there are people who know my face, and if I am able to provide even a little sliver, it's totally worth it.

I've written all the above while I wait and hope.  What an exercise in patience (which I don't always have)!

Funny how when the phone starts ringing, it doesn't stop.  Received four calls, one after the other. while soaking to two at a time, I see my nurse calling.  "I have good news for you," she says. "Congratulations, you're pregnant." First Beta: 320.

Yay, 2018!

To test or not to test...

...that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the (stings) and arrows of outrageous misfortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
by waiting until my Beta. ...To wait, to test;
to test, perchance to know--ay, there's the rub:
For in that death of ignorance what other dreams may die?


Ahh, Hamlet! Somehow I don't think that Shakespeare knew how apropos this (paraphrased) soliloquy would be in the IVF world.  Anyone in a 2ww can relate, I'm sure. Beta next week. Time will tell outcome,  home test or no.

If I can stand to wait.

11dp3dt - even more anxious

Second post today; will probably post twice tomorrow as well. 

We were on the road and I got really gassy and had serious cramps. Went to the bathroom and was spotting. So now I'm worried that I'm out. I'm thinking about taking an HPT in the morning since I'm already distracted. I don't know...

11dp3dt and nervous

Beta tomorrow. Tomorrow we will find out if the cycle worked and if we are that much closer to being parents. Symptoms: milky CM, slightly heavy boobs.  And I'm crampy again... Took Tyl.enol yesterday because they hurt.  My mind is telling me that they are different from PMS cramps, and I've seen no blood at all.  I pray that I'm right.  B says that I have to be fine either way, and I will try. I'm just praying that we have cause to celebrate.

10dp3dt and a long post

Met one of my SIL's friends for the first time yesterday. Of course she asks if we have kids and what are we waiting for...  Lovely, but not the worst I heard for the day. The topic of Kanye & Kim's gender selection came up between me and SIL's eldest daughter... which segued

into comments about how "unnatural" IVF is and how if it can't happen people should just accept it. Fun day. 

Sometimes I want to blurt out, "I'm waiting for me NOT to miscarry" so they are the uncomfortable ones. B diverted the questions this time, which I appreciated. 

I also wanted to say to my niece that it's doubly hard for her to understand because she and two of her three sisters  were teenage moms (the other actually hit 20 before the baby was born) and her brother was a teenage dad. B is the only one who went to and graduated from college. So they look at me and think I have it all... Of course, I will admit that aside from dealing with IF, I've lived a pretty charmed life by most people's standards (B has actually said that to me before-- like I didn't know). I tried to remind myself that almost everything EXCEPT child bearing has been hard for them (of course, a lot of it is self-inflicted, but I try very hard not to be judgemental). It's just tiring. 

As far as cycle goes, I'm crampy and have heaps of CM. AF was officially due yesterday. I was a little sad yesterday when the cramps started and I felt a lot of moisture, but when I saw it was CM, I was happy. Today, it's milky again and I think cervix is high, which is also a good sign. I hope this means AF's taking a year long vacation that ends with a mini me 😏. I tested the trigger out this past Tuesday. Last cycle, I tested the Saturday before but I am thinking I will wait. I have a big meeting Monday morning, and I want to stay focused. I'm taking off Monday afternoon, though, so will be home when I get the call. Fingers, toes, eyes crossed. Let me see if I can find something else to cross as well. 😉

9dp3dt

Luteal bloods again today. Boobs feeling a bit heavy again.  So far, AF has not shown up, although she would be due today.  3 more days to go.

8dp3dt and losing hope

I'm telling myself it's not over, but I'm not feeling very sure about it. Temperature has dropped twice in the last 2 days. Boobs feel less heavy this morning and I think my cervix is open and low. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but started feel a little foolish about doing so. I keep wondering why I'm not getting and staying pregnant if this is meant for me, and why God doesn't remove this desire if it's not. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn or even do here. 

Where does hope end and foolish fancy begin?

7dp3dt - getting closer

Time is actually starting to move more quickly... Hoping that's a good thing. 

Slight twinges today... Nothing really big. Except my boobs ;). Didn't have to pee as much last night. Hope that's not a bad sign. Taking deep breaths. 5 more days until Beta. Hope it's the first of a few. 

6dp3dt - feeling good

I love symptom logs! Was a little down yesterday because of the cramps, but them looked at my log from March and saw that I had cramps around this time last cycle, which immediately gave me hope. I also got a reminder about faithfulness from a board, and some other posters (thanks Gma, fambaby). 

The days seem to be moving a little more quickly, which we be a great thing if we get good news. Have to call the nurse today to ask her how early or late I can take my shot... We have a fundraiser to go to tomorrow. Not looking forward to an IM progesterone shot in a restaurant bathroom... And I may have to do it myself. Oh boy.

I have to buy another vial of PIO... In keeping with my tradition, I wait until I'm running low. I'm self pay, so better to pay for what I know I need. If my beta is positive in Monday, I'll have to order another one a little early, since they are closed on July 4th. 

6 more days to go. We are going to my SIL this weekend, so I know those days will speed by. 

Symptoms: very slight crampiness, frequent urination, slight milky white discharge, enlarged labia, sore boobs (don't you just love progesterone!). Temp is still elevated. 

5dp3dt

Cramps.  That's what I'm feeling right now.  Trying not to be down, although I've been a little sad since Saturday.  My boobs still feel gigantic, but the main thing is the cramps.  I'm trying to decide if I want to test over the weekend or wait until Monday's Beta.  I did have cramps the last time, but i don't think they were this early.  Will have to go and check.

Taking a deep breath.

4dp3dt & yesterday's random gut punch

I'm having a good time watching the days go by for now... It's not seeming quite as daunting although I still have 8 more days to go. Of course, I'm still examining every symptom, trying not to read too much.  My boobs are like weights, and I'm not small to begin with... Got up to go to the bathroom, and it really hurt when I stood up.  I'm runnin out of PIO spots that don't hurt, since I had bruising from before... I may have to ask for suppositories or something.

Milky discharge seems to have gone done some.  Labia are still out a little.  Cervix seems high, but that's also to be expected based on where I am in the cycle.  Still hopeful.

Now on to the gut punch...my nephew's birthday party was yesterday.    It was cold and then started to really rain, so B and I decided to leave. I made the rounds to say goodbye to everyone.  My sister's MIL was there and she asked me how I was doing.  I said fine.  Then she gave me a hug and said, "I heard; I'm sorry."

WTH?!?!

My sister doesn't even like her MIL half the time... Why would she share my miscarriage with her? Did she tell her about IVF?  Or just that I was pregnant? How many other people has she told. This should be my story to share as I choose.  Not only was I not prepared for that conversation, but I've made an effort not to focus on it now. It just threw me for an unhappy loop.

B told me that's why he doesn't tell anyone anything.

3dp3dt... Again

I added the "again" because I noticed that this is where I started posting symptoms and such  the last cycle. Experience is basically the same this time except for the sore boobs, I hope this means the Beta outcome is the same, but I won't know for another 9 days. At least weekends seem to go faster than week days; I'm off part of next week, though, so hopefully that pushes things along, too.

I'm hungry" but that's a PMS thing as well.  Have a slight headache, slight dizziness. PIO bruising still hurts. The game is trying to find a place that isn't.  I'm also going out during the week and away next weekend, so I'm going to have to sort out the fun of injections and travel. It should be interesting.

Animals ate my hosta plants, so I went to the garden store to get some new ones. Couldn't resist also buying some beautiful hydrangeas. When I got home, I noticed that one was pink and the other blue. Wonder if that was subconscious.

2dp3dt

Long day today and I'm tired, so will just note today's symptoms courtesy of my friend progesterone:

• Fatigue (so ready to fall asleep)
• Milky white discharge (so much fun)
• Super tender breasts (they feel like casaba melons. Taking off my bra hurts.  
• Con.sti.pa.tion (ugh...I'd forgotten about that)

10 more days to go...

1dp3dt - a myriad of emotions

It seems almost silly to write 1dp. Not much going on in the way of results yet, but I'm still thinking that I want to try chronicling every day.

Such a mix of emotions swirling through my head. Anxiety about whether or not it will work... Real fear that it may not. I'm creating symbolism where there may not be any... Like how my ER was on my nephew's birthday, and that this baby's V day (date of viability outside of the womb) will be my first due date... 

Every twinge makes me anxious. I don't dare mention to B how hard a time I'm having with trying to relax; he'll tell me that I'm introducing trouble. I know he's right this time; I need to find a calmer place, or the next 11 days will be pure hell. 

Symptoms: having twinges on both sides, similar to ovulation pain. They left one in, though, so I would be surprised if it released on its own. My mom commented that maybe it will fertilize as well, since B and I had a fun morning 2 days before ER. Imagine that. 

Transfer day (0dp3dt)

I went into work today all pins and needles waiting for the call. Finally at around 11:30, my nurse calls. Transfer at 2:15!  I'm so excited to have another shot.

Last time I had an ultrasound guided transfer... This time I don't, but no one told me to empty my bladder. Good thing it wasn't too full.

Dr. C is doing transfers today. We meet again, I tell him. Up on the table and I mention that my bladder isn't empty. He tells me it's not a problem.  He shows me the picture and tells me that my body is very efficient since I got 1 mature egg that fertilized.  It's 8 cells as well, which is a good sign.  

In it goes, and they confirm the catheter is empty. I'm off to recovery. Dr. E calls while I'm getting dressed to say that it's 8 cells, and graded the same as the other one in March. That's a little bit of comfort.  Time will tell how things go.

And now the wait begins. 

If it ain't one thing...

...it's another. 

I've taken a few days to write to process where I am. 

I'm pregnant. 

So excited to say that. Beta #3 yesterday. Nurse calls me at 4:15, way later than she normally does. Beta is 300!!! It's quadrupled again. I'm actually excited!

Then she says, my estrogen is really low. So I have to go back tomorrow. Praying that beta doubles and my E2 goes up. So I can stay pregnant. Lord have mercy. 

15dp3dt

I am hereby declaring myself insane. Was so happy to hear the news from the nurse and the doctor that beta had risen, especially since my neighbor told me that the doctor only calls with good news (I won't tell you how I felt when I saw the nurse's number on Monday). 

But I digress... Where was I? Oh yes... Innnnssssaaaaanne. I have been "POAS"ing (peeing on a stick-way to refer to taking home pregnancy tests) since Friday. So it's Thursday and I've taken 4:

- Friday morning

- Monday afternoon 

- Tuesday morning (though not first pee)

- Wednesday evening

I even plan to go to the store to get a digital one so I can see the word. 

Even worse is the fact that I still have them all and take pictures to compare (see below). 

Yep. Certifiable. 

14dp3dt - Still in the game

So just heard back from the nurse. Beta quadrupled to 71.6!!! I have to go back on Friday for number three. I remain prayerfully thankful and optimistic :). 

Beta day - optimism (LONG)

Today I am 13dp3dt. Yesterday was my Beta day. 

I have been a little quiet for the last few days; mainly because I tested early (on Friday) and got a big fat negative test. I knew that it wasn't over, and didn't want to obsess. 

On Saturday, however, I started cramping and spotting. I just knew it was over then, but I held it together even though I was a little sad. 

Decided to take yesterday off so that I could be emotional away from the office if necessary. Originally, I was just going to turn off my phone, but I decided that the longer I have to deal it before returning to work, the better. My neighbor told me that if the nurse calls, its negative, but the doctor will call with positive news. I recollect that B's mom didn't know she was pregnant until 5 months because she was still getting what she thought was a light period, and I have a little hope. I say a fervent prayer. 

B is giving me lots of hugs and kisses, but I don't really want to be bothered. 

I am trying to hold it together and am afraid the extra shows of affection will make me lose it. 

My phone rings about 2 and I see the nurse's number. I already know what she's going to tell me... 

Except I don't. She's starts off with, "Unfortunately, I don't have good news for you... It's positive, but the number is low."

Wait... POSITIVE?!?!

So, I'm actually pregnant.  I have to go back on Wednesday to repeat the test, and am praying and hoping that the number keeps going up. I relate the news to B and he's super cocky now; he keeps telling me that I have to have faith and know that I will be OK regardless. He doesn't get that just because I'm a little sad doesn't mean that I'm not OK. 

Except, that I'm no longer sad. I know the nurse is trying to be cautious, but I have to get this far in order to keep going.  I go upstairs and take another test... and see a faint blue line. First time ever! And for the first time in a long while I am truly optimistic. 

8dp3dt

I was trying to publish every day so that those feverishly searching the web for symptoms might have a list to go by, but I fell asleep yesterday. Was totally sick at work yesterday and still feeling out of sorts. Completely my fault; I'm not used to fried food anymore. 

Today, I'm feeling queasy and my stomach hurts, but that is likely from yesterday. Sleepy, even though I slept for a reasonable time. Have a bruise on one cheek from the shots. 

I may test tomorrow instead of waiting for Sunday. Stay tuned...