16 weeks pregnant

16 weeks and 1 day today. Had my OB visit 2 days ago. Doctor was trying to listen to the baby’s heartbeat with a Doppler, but was having a difficult time. I tried very hard to stay calm, and did a creditable job. He decided to switch to an ultrasound. There was the little troublemaker, behind the placenta (which is in front). The baby’s was facing my back with his/her butt in the placenta. Stubborn little thing didn’t want to be bothered. 😂 Everything else looked good. Bones are going through ossification, so the baby’s spine was clearly visible. Pretty cool.

I must say, now that I’m just like every other pregnant person and only getting monitored once a month, it takes a concerted effort not to worry about how things are progressing in the interim. The fact that my little stubborn one had to be physically seen took a major load off my mind. I also know it will be a waste for me to buy a home Doppler! Anatomy scan in 4 weeks !

Now that I’m officially out, I feel like I’ve popped. I have a round belly, not a little bump. I’m really not a huge fan of people rubbing my belly; yuck! I think I’m going to get a shirt that says “Don’t touch!”

Pregnancy symptoms: still very congested. Queasiness is tapering off, followed by indigestion.  Still having some bouts of insomnia. My boobs are seriously full and super sensitive. I went up a cup size. Went clothes shopping with a friend today. It was fun, and I have some new cute and comfy clothes. ☺️

New year, new job, new...mini me?

So long, 2017.  Happy to see it go like yesterday's trash.

It's been a very busy December.  I did a final interview for a new job, and am pleased as punch that they offered it to me right before Christmas.  So the day after my embryo transfer, I took myself to a fingerprinting place for my background check.  On the 26th, I gave my official notice, and will start the new position in a couple of weeks.  Happy joy!

Last Saturday, I started to feel really crampy. Very little spotting, but way crampy. Sunday, mega crampy, in a way that made Saturday feel like I was being tickled.  I was pretty sure it was the d@mn adenomyosis rearing it's ugly head.  It can happen at any time, but right before AF is when it's at its absolute worse. Took two extra strength Tylenol, and slept with the heating pad.

Beta was this morning, and I was sitting here trying to decide if I would post as soon as I knew, or if I would wait and see how I felt.  After reading a great article,  I decided I would share. After all, there are more people looking for hope in the nasty world of IF than there are people who know my face, and if I am able to provide even a little sliver, it's totally worth it.

I've written all the above while I wait and hope.  What an exercise in patience (which I don't always have)!

Funny how when the phone starts ringing, it doesn't stop.  Received four calls, one after the other. while soaking to two at a time, I see my nurse calling.  "I have good news for you," she says. "Congratulations, you're pregnant." First Beta: 320.

Yay, 2018!

And so it begins (again)...

its been a very long while since I posted. It’s been two and a half years of ups and downs.  For those who are currently going through loss, I will say that you do, eventually, “get over it”.  Not that you forget by any means, but the overwhelming sense of pain and loss does dull.  So there is hope.

I had surgery last year for a pretty large fibroid (size of a grapefruit and over a pound).  My RE thought that would help my chances. Time will tell on that score.  All I can say for now is that what followed was the most painful convalescence I’ve ever experienced.  It appears that I developed a condition called Adenomyosis, which means I have endometrial tissue in the wall of my uterus.  Periods feel like I’m miscarrying all over again (that painful!), but I can also have sudden pains when I don’t have my period, which is the WORST!!! I’ve been taking various prescribed narcotics to deal with the pain, and have now decided to go for broke.  Need to try again, before I completely give up and just have the plumbing removed, which is under serious contemplation.

So I’m on Lupron, and beginning a new cycle. I’ve decided I’m not going to blog daily about treatment this time, in an effort to preserve my sanity. So only periodic updates will be in effect. Of course, if I end up pregnant all bets are off 😏.

In other news, my new car was totaled. Be careful of 18-wheelers on a highway merge.  And try to get their plate number before they drive off.

I wasn’t driving and can therefore be much more sanguine about it. I’m choking on the two down payments in one year as we pay for an IVF cycle out of pocket, but at least we walked away with only a couple of bruises. This, too, shall pass.

Happy belated Thanksgiving. Time for a shot...

Thoughts and updates

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post.  I thought about posting a couple of times but then I would feel a little down and I didn't want to be too "woe is me".  Also, I'm feeling a little like I'm letting infertility define who I am as a person.  While it is a part of who I am, I'm hoping that it doesn't last forever...

So I still want to be a mom. And I still want to give birth.  I have my WTF appointment next week, so I will hear what Dr E. has to say.  I'm starting to wrap my head around maybe having to do a donor cycle. In the meantime, I'm taking the summer off from assisted reproductive technologies and working on losing 10 pounds.

Now on to the potentially interesting stuff.  On Thursday, spoke with a former colleague M who works at SM Co, the company I left last September.  She is really unhappy there and tried to apply to some positions where I am now, but wasn't accepted. While I was speaking with her, I looked on the website of HM Co and mentioned that there is another friend of mine that works there... low and behold, there is a Project Manager position.  I told M that I would speak with him.  So I text him that I see there is a PM position there, and I wanted info, to which he replies, "Please come here!!!".

Wow.  I called him Thursday night, and we spoke for a while.  I mentioned the position for M and he told me what that group was (not his) and what the salary range with likely be.  I knew M would jump at it... I would.

Then he tells me that his group has a horrible program manager and that he wants me to work with his group. O.M.G.  To say it would open up other opportunities for me would be an understatement.

If it were just about the money, I would say that I probably wouldn't last there long. But I'm not super happy where I am now, mainly because I feel like my manager is taking all the plum assignments and giving me the crap.  I already knew that I had an expiration date on my time here, so now I'm super excited about what could be.  Fingers crossed.

11dp3dt and nervous

Beta tomorrow. Tomorrow we will find out if the cycle worked and if we are that much closer to being parents. Symptoms: milky CM, slightly heavy boobs.  And I'm crampy again... Took Tyl.enol yesterday because they hurt.  My mind is telling me that they are different from PMS cramps, and I've seen no blood at all.  I pray that I'm right.  B says that I have to be fine either way, and I will try. I'm just praying that we have cause to celebrate.

9dp3dt

Luteal bloods again today. Boobs feeling a bit heavy again.  So far, AF has not shown up, although she would be due today.  3 more days to go.

5dp3dt

Cramps.  That's what I'm feeling right now.  Trying not to be down, although I've been a little sad since Saturday.  My boobs still feel gigantic, but the main thing is the cramps.  I'm trying to decide if I want to test over the weekend or wait until Monday's Beta.  I did have cramps the last time, but i don't think they were this early.  Will have to go and check.

Taking a deep breath.

4dp3dt & yesterday's random gut punch

I'm having a good time watching the days go by for now... It's not seeming quite as daunting although I still have 8 more days to go. Of course, I'm still examining every symptom, trying not to read too much.  My boobs are like weights, and I'm not small to begin with... Got up to go to the bathroom, and it really hurt when I stood up.  I'm runnin out of PIO spots that don't hurt, since I had bruising from before... I may have to ask for suppositories or something.

Milky discharge seems to have gone done some.  Labia are still out a little.  Cervix seems high, but that's also to be expected based on where I am in the cycle.  Still hopeful.

Now on to the gut punch...my nephew's birthday party was yesterday.    It was cold and then started to really rain, so B and I decided to leave. I made the rounds to say goodbye to everyone.  My sister's MIL was there and she asked me how I was doing.  I said fine.  Then she gave me a hug and said, "I heard; I'm sorry."

WTH?!?!

My sister doesn't even like her MIL half the time... Why would she share my miscarriage with her? Did she tell her about IVF?  Or just that I was pregnant? How many other people has she told. This should be my story to share as I choose.  Not only was I not prepared for that conversation, but I've made an effort not to focus on it now. It just threw me for an unhappy loop.

B told me that's why he doesn't tell anyone anything.

3dp3dt... Again

I added the "again" because I noticed that this is where I started posting symptoms and such  the last cycle. Experience is basically the same this time except for the sore boobs, I hope this means the Beta outcome is the same, but I won't know for another 9 days. At least weekends seem to go faster than week days; I'm off part of next week, though, so hopefully that pushes things along, too.

I'm hungry" but that's a PMS thing as well.  Have a slight headache, slight dizziness. PIO bruising still hurts. The game is trying to find a place that isn't.  I'm also going out during the week and away next weekend, so I'm going to have to sort out the fun of injections and travel. It should be interesting.

Animals ate my hosta plants, so I went to the garden store to get some new ones. Couldn't resist also buying some beautiful hydrangeas. When I got home, I noticed that one was pink and the other blue. Wonder if that was subconscious.

2dp3dt

Long day today and I'm tired, so will just note today's symptoms courtesy of my friend progesterone:

• Fatigue (so ready to fall asleep)
• Milky white discharge (so much fun)
• Super tender breasts (they feel like casaba melons. Taking off my bra hurts.  
• Con.sti.pa.tion (ugh...I'd forgotten about that)

10 more days to go...

Transfer day (0dp3dt)

I went into work today all pins and needles waiting for the call. Finally at around 11:30, my nurse calls. Transfer at 2:15!  I'm so excited to have another shot.

Last time I had an ultrasound guided transfer... This time I don't, but no one told me to empty my bladder. Good thing it wasn't too full.

Dr. C is doing transfers today. We meet again, I tell him. Up on the table and I mention that my bladder isn't empty. He tells me it's not a problem.  He shows me the picture and tells me that my body is very efficient since I got 1 mature egg that fertilized.  It's 8 cells as well, which is a good sign.  

In it goes, and they confirm the catheter is empty. I'm off to recovery. Dr. E calls while I'm getting dressed to say that it's 8 cells, and graded the same as the other one in March. That's a little bit of comfort.  Time will tell how things go.

And now the wait begins. 

Trigger and Retrieval Days

Triggered at 1:15 am on Saturday, and then had pre-op at 6:30, so not a lot of sleep.  Found out that I would be last for retrieval.  Came home and did some chores around the house.  In the afternoon, my sister came by for help with the party favors for my nephew (marshmallows decorated like minions).  As my sister and the kids arrive, I hear water.  Quite a bit of water.  My upstairs neighbors apparently had some flooding which caused problems in both levels of our unit.  Now we get to replace a light fixture, ceiling drywall, and perhaps a mildewy carpet... all stress that I needed the day before a retrieval.

Retrieval day arrived bright and early.  My sister and the kids left at midnight, so I had another night without much sleep.  I had to be there at 8:30, B at 10:45.  I told him 10:30, since he elected to drop me off and then come back.  I should have said 10, since he got there at 10:50.  Fortunately they weren't exactly on time... I got called back into the second waiting room about 12:45ish.  Went on the table at 1:41 (I asked), and told the doctor that my ovaries have been hiding some.  He noted that they had done 2 abdominal scans to see my follicles. Evidently, they decided that was the best course because I woke up about 4pm in recovery with a bandage high on my pelvis.

And the verdict is ...one.  They retrieved one egg. I'm upset, and will be unless I get good news today that this one fertilized properly and that I had something to transfer.

More to come, I hope.

It takes ...two?

Ultrasound this morning shows 2 follicles at 18.  Waiting for my bloodwork, but it's likely I will trigger tonight for ER on Sunday.  I am super nervous about having just 2, but also glad they aren't talking about canceling the cycle.  Please let something come out of this.

Don't you want a baby?

My cousins (in-law) are moving to Cali, and had a going away celebration on Saturday.  I'd never met  her mom before then, when I was introduced as B's wife.  She offers me the seat next to her, and then asks in a hesitant voice, "Don't you want a baby?"

I took a line from my mom's favorite phrase and said, "If it happens...".  Inside, I feel like the bandage has been ripped off.  Family gatherings are getting harder and harder... two weeks ago, someone asked me if there was a bun in the oven yet. In front of a group of people.

I don't say that I would be pregnant except for the miscarriage... funny how conscious I am about making people feel uncomfortable when they don't seem to get how they are making me feel. I don't say that I want one so badly that I'm doing multiple injections a night and paying thousands of dollars for the chance to maybe have one. I don't mention B rearranging schedules to give samples and popping his own share of pills.

I don't mention that there are so many hopes pinned on the next 7 days... U/s yesterday shows 2 follicles ~ 11.5 and 4 > 10.  I pray that they keep growing and that we end up with more than one.

Or at least one that grows into a baby that we finally get to take home.

First World Problems

I'm in a private group on face.book. This week, we had a little rant about FWP, a.k.a First World Problems. If you don't know what they are, I mean things like my computer is too old or I have to buy another pair of black shoes because the ones I have don't match my special outfit... things that don't matter to those with no electricity or Internet and don't have shoes. 

This morning, I was reading new posts, and laughing. I started reading them to B. It really brought home how blessed I am, even with this current struggle. 

Infertility is not a First World Problem, but IVF is. I realized today that as we bemoan the costs of cycling and move from one RE to the next in search of success, that it's a privilege to have this opportunity; one that I have simply by virtue of being born where I was and working where I do. 

So today, as I go in for monitoring and see if my 5 follies have grown, I say a prayer not just for those that I know, but for everyone struggling with infertility, particularly those in places with no options for treatment or the means to get help.