An emotional day...

...is the best way to describe it.  I have had mixed feelings these last few days, wondering if... well, just wondering if this is the right thing to do; would it be so hard for us if this is what was meant to be?

So it was with some trepidation this morning that I went for the day 3 embryo transfer, with B grumbling not because of the time, but because that previous statement is answered by him with a resounding no. Yet I also know that we are given opportunities for a reason... I don't know anyone else who has gone through a cycle and had the entire thing covered by insurance. That has to count for something, right?

Not to be outdone by the stormy mood in the car, the weather was a torrential downpour by the time we got downtown.  Parking only 1.5 blocks away, but with my little portable umbrella to share amongst us, I was pretty wet by the time we got to the office.  Supposed to be there are 8:45 for a 9:15 appointment, but got there about ten minutes late... the first time ever. I started drinking water right away, and they called us in the back almost right away.  Good thing water goes right through me, else I might have been way off schedule!

I get undressed and B has to slip on coveralls, booties, and a surgeon's cap over his clothes; the coveralls were not really made for someone over 6 feet tall... he made jokes about feeling like he was wearing a thong and the pair being split; as I laughed, I realized my bladder was definitely full!

Into the room we go to wait for everyone, and they come in about 9:25.  Not a moment too soon, as I think I have a mild case of OHSS, and am starting to feel twinges in my right ovary from all this fluid.  Abdominal ultrasound... no wonder I had to drink myself to oblivion! The speculum is put in place and then the ultrasound wand is on my stomach.  Yep, really full bladder.  They fiddle with viewing the right spot, and then insert the outside catheter, I can see it on the screen, as well as what the doctor refers to as my lush, thick lining. Then they say they are ready for the other one with the embryo inside.  They've already given me a picture of the 6-cell grade B embie that I am holding in my hand; I am watching what looks like a grain of rice (the fluid around the embryo) as it passes through the inner catheter. Pretty cool! I had to lay there for ten minutes.  Then was able to get up and go to the bathroom! No heavy lifting or exertion for the next two days.

Now the wait. In two weeks I will know if this worked; I pray it does.  As I stare at the picture of our potential child, I realize how blessed I am to have seen life at such a level as this. It really makes me realize how much bigger that us it all really is.

They say it only takes just one...

...which is good, cuz that's all I've got. One fertilized egg. Fingers crossed that it keeps growing. Will have a 3 day transfer on Friday.

Party of 3? - LONG

It's been a roller coaster of a morning. Too keyed up to really sleep, yet totally exhausted. Knocked out, but woke up a couple of times. Roll out of bed before the alarm. Forgot to call the nurse and ask if I should take the doxycycline before since I wasn't supposed to eat or drink after midnight; after talking to a cousin who had gone through the process and did take it the time her cycle worked, I decided to go for it with just enough water to get it down my throat. VERY bad idea. Took me all of 20 minutes to feel sick. And I threw up three times before I left. If you've ever vomited an empty stomach, it's worse when it's nothing but medication.

In the car with grumbling B (not his best at 6:30am in traffic), and getting anxious since we have to be there at 7. After bypassing two parking garages, we come to one that's closest and the most expensive... Gotta love it. We walk in the building at 7:05, however, so I'm OK.

They call me at 7:26 for a 7:30 appt... Nice. Make me go to the bathroom again and get undressed. B has gone upstairs to make his ...contribution. all my stuff in a locker and then I am signing off that it's OK to sedate me and take my eggs and I understand the risks... I mean really? why not have me sign that in the office? who says no? I get introduced to the RE and the assistant, and then into the room. Insert the anesthesiologist and the embryologist, who is given a band that looks just like mine with my name on it and stuff. Oh cool, we're twins :) I scoot down on the table and then they knock me out.

I wake up in a recovery room. They tell me it's 8:30 and ask how I feel. Crampy and a little cold with a super dry throat. They give me water, offer me apple juice that was too sweet, and the dryest saltine crackers I've ever tasted. I left two packs there... Gross. In came the doctor and told me they got... 3 Mentioned my previous myomectomy and the fact that I'm a heavy breather when I sleep, so ultimately my safety is the driving factor. Whatever. I forget to ask how many were mature, but the nurse tells me that the 3 she mentioned were mature. So that's that. Waiting until tomorrow for the fertilization report to know how many we have and when they will transfer; likely Friday. Was super ready to go, so I said so when asked. Came around front to where B was waiting, and then waddled my crampy self to the car. Stopped so I could get a nice bland egg white breakfast sandwich to take another doxy with and some water for my super parched throat. Ate it and then hopped in bed for a nap.

Now awake, I realized that I went from being worried that I would ovulate before retrieval and have nothing to being disappointed that I only had three. Not to optimistic, is it? I had to laugh at myself.

I realize this is a super long post, but I figured the best way for someone who is curious (like me) to understand this is for me to be as descriptive as possible.

Triggering

Quick update on trigger yesterday and today's stuff. Got the call at noon to trigger at 8:30 for ER at 7:30 on Tuesday. I figured I'd start the process at 8:20 to give the HCG time to dissolve. Unbeknownst to me I was going to need the extra time to psych myself if for sticking a 1.5" needle in my backside. Now one and a half inches isn't super long... Unless its a needle. Then it's looooong! After several deep breaths and staring at the needle inches from my right cheek I literally took the plunge.

Not as bad as I thought, frankly, and better than my thigh mishap.

This morning was the day to get up and take an HCG urine test to confirm that retrieval could occur tomorrow. It's basically a false positive pregnancy test. I am super tempted to get a box of HPTs so I can see one that says "Pregnant". Sad really. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

Two places at once - UPDATED

So here's today's follicle count: R: 1-20mm, 1-19mm, 2-17mm, L: 1-19. RE wants me to come again tomorrow and not trigger until then. Which means egg retrieval on WEDNESDAY MORNING, when I have a big meeting I can't miss. Waiting now to see what we can do about it. I don't want this to be a waste, and I can't miss that meeting. I am trying to see if they can schedule it after 10, because there's no way I can be two places at once.

UPDATED - they've talked it over, and decided on Tuesday. I have to take a "morning dose" of my meds before 6:30.

Patience is a virtue

And one I am a little lacking in right now. MM this morning saw three follicles on the right: one 20mm, one 16mm, and one 14mm. Left (finally!) showed one 18mm. So I have to come back tomorrow, and no trigger tonight. Sigh.

Grant me patience, Lord... but hurry!

Declarations

Joel Os.teen has a new book out called I Declare. Simply put, it says that the words you put out into the atmosphere have a direct impact on your life. Dee.pak Cho.pra takes it further, saying that it's your thoughts... They affect your words, and so on. I don't know exactly how true it is, but I know it can't hurt. So I am declaring that everything will work out in the end, whatever and whenever that may be.