A new attitude

Well good morning. 

I didn't have a particularly good day yesterday. AF came, and then I had a 1:1 with my useless manager and found out that I am to be passed over for promotion again this year. I called my husband and cried about nothing good happening in my life. He nicely reminded me that that is precisely the type of talk to bring trouble; that I could find out exactly how bad things could be if I am not grateful for what I have. 

I must admit he's right. It hurts to get passed up again. And it hurts to hear about my coworker's soon-to-be-born baby on the day that I find out I'm not. And it hurts that my sister shared my fertility issues with her estranged husband. But if I spend my time thinking about what isn't right, it's pretty hard to be thankful for what is. So I'll just name a few blessings for now and make this a ritual of thanksgiving. 

  - My parents are alive

  - My husband 

  - My home

For these things, I give thanks. 

Good day off

Hubby's bday is tomorrow, so took a couple of days off. Felt really good. I didn't realize how much I needed a break. Here's to keeping mellow. 

Proverbs 3:5-6

It has been a little more than 2 months since my last post, as I haven't had much to say since the negative beta. Honestly, I don't have too much to say now, except that I was listening to Donnie McLurkin's "I'll Trust You, Lord". It reminds me of Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in The Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct your paths." I am trying not to be jealous of my 19 year-old-niece who is due in December, and I'll just trust Him. Sure is hard.

No good news

Well my Beta HCG level was 2.75, so officially not pregnant. I am proud of keeping it together at work, but admittedly lost it when I got in the car. I have to sit out the next month anyway. I don't know what's next.

On my way to Beta

This is going to be a double post day (not counting the hope post, as I've been trying to post that one since yesterday).

I did not have a restful sleep last night; kept waking up and looking at the clock. My stomach has been queasy, but I don't know if it's just nervousness.

On my way to the dr's office now. Just breathing and praying.

A thought that gives me more hope

At one point I thought my fingers were getting shorter these past couple of days. Then I checked Dr. Google and realized that cervical position for pregnancy is high... Not low like it should be when AF comes.

Suppositories allow you to become very up close and personal with these things...

It's been a busy weekend

And it's not even half over.

Had to work from home a few hours in the middle of the night. Work was supposed to start at midnight, but got pushed back, so I decided to pass the time by making some red velvet cupcakes.

Finished working and then made frosting; went to sleep at 4 am, only to wake up and get ready to attend my friends' baby blessing at their church.

All I can say is thank God I was a little late; an hour and a half later, the blessing was done, but they still hadn't gotten to the sermon... My stomach was growling from a tiny breakfast, I had a headache and the music was LOUD. I give my regards to them and had to leave.

Hit a drive thru and head home to get ready for Family Game Day at my aunt's; hope to get a nap first, but my time is now taking up frosting cupcakes and arguing with B because he doesn't want to go... Ugh! And now I have a hugely swollen gland, and no symptoms all day. It occurs to me that maybe that's what I've felt all along: sick. That or OHSS. And then I feel a little down.

Go to Family Game Day and my aunt is there with her grand kids and my sister is there with her two. I wonder a little where the grown ups are... Don't want to let the kids loose on the cupcakes without supervision!

Pretty good turnout later on, but I am not totally into it any more... Gland still swollen, low grade headache, my cousins being bratty and rude. Plus I'm uncomfortably full from having eaten to many spring rolls!

Come home and go straight to sleep. Still no clear symptoms and my throat is bothering me even more. I am giving up. I take a Tyl.enol and knock out. I'll worry about the progesterone when I wake.

Wake up 3 hours later and feel nauseous! Of course, it could be all those spring rolls, but it's such a welcome feeling. I know I will wear morning sickness with a welcome badge of honor if I am to be so lucky.

I haven't tested yet, and I think that I am going to wait until the beta at this point. Hopefully I won't yield to temptation tomorrow. Maybe that's why I can't find it.

Church and a sorority meeting tomorrow. The bright side to all this chaos is is keeping me really busy. I think that's the key to surviving this 2ww.

Just waiting...

11dpiui and 13 days post trigger (that's the "egg ripening shot").

More of the same today.  Sleeping really well for a few hours and then light sleeps where I am aware of  everything that's going on. Had a some cramps today, and worried a little about that since I wasn't very queasy today, but then my stomach has still been growling every two hours, and though I am greedy, I'm not that greedy.

Of course, I have 54 hours to change my mind. :)

10dpiui...

Having regular bouts of queasiness/nausea, which I relish. In fact, I get nervous if they go away and don't happen for a while.

Still haven't tested, and very proud of my willpower. Was a little tempted today, but it passed. I have one test left from the last time, and thought of testing on Sunday; now I can't find the pack. So I may end up waiting until the beta just because I don't want to buy another one...

May these last few days pass quickly.

Queasy again

9dpIUI. Woke up this morning and was feeling pretty crampy. Thought it was a sure sign that AF was coming.

But then I started feeling a little queasy again. A little TMI, but that feeling you get in the back of your throat...

I started looking up symptoms for progesterone side affects but also for BFPs. I still haven't tested yet, but if this "out of sorts" feeling continues into tomorrow I may break down. I did see that most people don't get positives until 11 to 13 days post IUI, so I am reminding myself that money doesn't grow on trees and I shouldn't waste the one I currently have.

But for the first time in a while, I feel less hopeless and way more optimistic.

Feeling nervous today

So today is 8dpiui (8 days post IUI). Presuming my ovulation on the day of the IUI due to the trigger, I am 3 weeks and 1 day pregnant. If, God willing, it worked.

Feeling a little nervous today, as I had some cramps earlier. I have been kind of queasy as well today. So it could be that I'm preggers, having funky period systems, getting sick, or just losing my mind.

I was going to wait to test, but if i still feel off by Thursday I may do it then. We'll see how the next few days go.

6 days down, 7 more to go

This week has actually moved quickly since the IUI. Work has been busy, and that has allowed me to keep pretty focused. I decided not to test until the day before my beta and so far I've been doing well with that. The reason I thought about testing the day before my beta is because it's supposed to be on a Monday and I have to go to work, and I don't know that I want to find out at work. Mainly, if it's negative, I don't want to be there bawling. So I can either go on Sunday, or maybe wait until Tuesday to have it, when I will be working in midtown and can hide in a booth and bawl or smile like a loon to my heart's content.

Today I had a progesterone test, and my level is in the 40s. I don't totally remember the value or the units, but the nurse did say it was a great number, so that's a good sign. In the meantime, I've had some weird twinges today. Hopefully that is a sign of good things to come.

Hopeful Heart

Today was the IUI. We got there at 7:30 am and he was called after about a half hour quickly to give his sample. Then came the washing: that takes upwards of an hour, so we went to eat breakfast. It was pouring out, but thankfully warm, so no concerns about slipping on the piles of snow. The pager only works in a two block radius though, so we didn't go far.

We go back upstairs and get called a bit later. We go into a room and I have to disrobe from the waist down. Then we wait... And wait...

And wait.

Finally the doc came in and then we got started. It's like a regular exam except I was super crampy. Progesterone level test in one week and beta in two. So I am officially in the 2ww.

And ever hopeful.

Oh the weather outside is frightful...

Morning monitoring in the snow! A little over a foot here; some parts of the northeast have over 2 feet! And we have to sign consents, so we are both here. Thank goodness for all wheel drive. Can't wait to cozy up back home.

Now it turns out I only have 2 follicles, and they won't do a retrieval that way, so I am converted to IUI.

A decent start

Well no news was good news for Saturday, so I was able to start my cycle and came back this morning for monitoring.

I have what appear to be five discernible follicles:
R: 12 (1), 10 (3)
L: 17 (1), >10 (1)

Either I have a lead follicle or a cyst, but won't know for sure. I just hope the others catch up if it's the former, and that it doesn't grow anymore if it's the latter. I still feel good about this cycle and continue to hope and pray. Have to go back on Saturday and see what they say. Time will tell.

A Ralph Cramden moment

Saturday morning was pretty eventful. As I was getting my discharge instructions, I look out the window and they are towing my car! I tell the nurse, and run out without my jacket, clutching the side of my sweatpants with my hand. I took them out of the bag of clothes going to the Good.will this morning because it was super old and they are the warmest ones I have, but they slip from my waist to my hips, which is why I am getting rid of them.

So just picture me running out of the building gripping sweatpants as I try to figure out why they are towing my car and disparate not to miss them.

I stand there talking to the police clutching my pants as they tell me that I and three other people are parked in a bus stop. Totally bogus, as the muni meter is right there, but I have to go to the tow yard to pick it up. Sigh. I turn around to go back upstairs and attempt to tie my sweatpants tightly...

And the string pops. Lovely. Now I am holding them on, as opposed to just up. Does the nurse have any safety pins? No such luck, but they have mini binder clips. I am able to clip one on each side and now my pants are where they should be without me holding them there. I get my discharge instructions and hop on the train to go get the car.

I get out of the train and start a brisk walk to the the yard; a little too brisk for one binder clip, as it starts to loosen. So I walk down the street in the cold with my hand in my pocket clutching the sweatpants to hold them up. A slapstick comedy routine at its best, except it was real. I really did have to laugh.

Naturally I am fighting the ticket. And the pants are in the Good.will bag for good.

Catching up again

Aside from yesterday, I haven't posted since the beginning of last month. Here's a quick fill in:
Went to start a new cycle, and had a cyst, so it was nixed. Blood test showed that my ovarian reserve is now much lower. So now it's supplements galore.

I was writing this while waiting for the doctor. My next words were to be "if the cyst is gone and my E2 level is OK, then I can start". But he came in just at that moment, so I had to stop.

Well the cyst is gone!!! I am so happy about that. Now hopefully my E2 is under 65. Praying hard...

It's official...

I still can't watch Steel Magnolias without crying. What a mess!

Happy go red day.

It's a new year

And with it, new hopes and thoughts. Hope it is a happy one for all.