WTF appointment and other updates

So since I have some downtime, I figured I'd share my WTF appointment details. For those unfamiliar, it's exactly what it sounds like: an appointment where you discuss what the f**k went wrong. The first thing Dr. E said was, "you're feeling better." Nice to know that my face contorted in pain didn't go unnoticed ;) He is actually pretty optimistic about another cycle--only thing he would change is maybe triggering me a day earlier. He also wants to start monitoring me as soon as AF comes back to see when I'm going to ovulate, and then patch me. So if all goes well, probably cycling again by the end of May. I'm both anxious and afraid. And also looking at some grants to ease the financial stress. I've shared a bunch of stories recently about doctors, nurses, phlebotomists (love that word!) with sucky bedside manners... let me just say that my primary nurse L has really been great. I was sitting with Dr. E at the appointment, and she was calling to check on me. Then Miss D, who has taken my blood many times, didn't know about the outcome of my cycle. After I told her, she let me talk about it and she cried a little with me and gave me a hug. Quality healthcare really does take quality people.

A little bit pregnant...

This is what the nurse said to me when she told me my beta... "You're still a little bit pregnant." Beta is down to 6.36. So I'll be back next week to check again. 

Switched up

I was going to give the scoop on my WTF appointment (will explain what that is later) but now I'm switching it up. Having a moment right now.

Not having a good night. In case anyone was remotely curious about my new photo, it's because I was talking to my sister-in-law on Saturday, and she starts singing the Barbie Girl song. When I ask her why, she says it's my ring tone...

I told B, and he almost injured himself laughing so hard. 

I'm trying to own it and show that I have a sense of humor, but I'm really offended. I just started thinking about what it says about their opinion of me... And then I went on FB and saw my first college boyfriend who got married after we did with pictures of his son. He was such an awful human being, but he gets to sit there with his little boy while I wait for remnants of my pregnancy to disappear. 

And then I thought about how I bend over backwards for people when I can, and this is how people close to me think it's OK to be towards me. And now I'm upset crying and giving myself a headache. 😔

If only I could focus on positive things. 

Beta was 33 as of last Thursday. Another one in the morning. Under 5 means I'm officially no longer pregnant. Experiencing some pain on the right side looks like I may get my period again soon. 

Had to out myself to a message therapist

Went for a message yesterday during my trip. The spa form has a line that asks if you are currently or was recently pregnant. I had the fun of checking yes and then entering 0 weeks for how far along I was. 

We get started and she asks, so how old is your baby? Then I got to explain why I don't have one. 

Ugh. 

Feeling much better

I called the doctor's office yesterday, and they called me in. Turns out that the pain was me passing the lining, and I'm just about done. So my body is super efficient in that way. They also gave me a prescription painkiller, which helped through the night and this morning. 

My HCG is now 760, so all physical traces may be gone pretty soon. Dr. E spoke to me yesterday, and said that he wants to touch base in a few weeks about next steps. He seems eager to try again.

I am on my way to work today for the first time. I told B that he would be able to get some work done since I wasn't curled up underneath him. He just patted my leg. One unexpected but good thing is that I feel like this has brought us even closer. 

I feel like tonight/tomorrow will be the hardest time. I will try to keep busy and hope these days pass quickly. 

It's been an interesting week. 

So much pain

This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Emotionally, I've been through the ringer. Physically, I've never felt pain like this before in my life. Tylenol, heat... Nothing helps. Hurts so much that I'm nauseous. I've just called the dr's office. There's got to be something they can do. 

Grieving

It's 5 am, and I'm awake. Not particularly helpful to know that I'm not having a bad dream. I think I prefer the unconscious world right now. Would be nice if I could stay asleep. 

Went to see my pastor yesterday. Started crying before I could even get it out. After I told him and we were talking, he cried with me. I told him that I haven't cried like this since my grandfather died, so I guess I was overdue. To that he said that grief is cumulative, so that I'm mourning his loss again as well. Imagine that. 

I also told him that I'd love to cry nonstop for like 24 hours and then be a normal person again, but I know it doesn't work that way. I also know that it's part of the healing process. I'm just tired, I guess. Insomnia will do that to you. 

I have to decide whether or not to have a D&C. When I was younger, I only knew this as an abortion. My heart rebels a little at doing this, but a friend who has had 2 miscarriages said that it can be helpful  to know what may have gone wrong, and she wishes she'd done it earlier. Plus It avoids the pain of passing the remaining lining. I have to decide soon. 

Just got the results of the beta HCG that my doctor took on Tuesday afternoon. It dropped from. 11,996 at the hospital to 6000 eleven hours later. My nurse didn't see the notes with the emergency room level, so she called me yesterday to say it went up. Ugh. 

One day I will write down the horrific ER experience I had, but not today. Today I'm just going to pray that it gets a little easier. A quote from Sleepless in Seattle just popped into my head:  

   Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every    morning... breathe in and out all day   long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. 

I got out of bed yesterday, and left the house. I know I'm not in a dark place; just a sad one. Intellectually, I know that trouble doesn't last always. I also know that I'm not the first person to go through this. I just wasn't really prepared for this particular valley. 

Lord, give me strength. 

A night in the ER

I don't know how long this post will be, because I don't know how I'm feeling right now. 

After bleeding and passing some clots, I decided that I had to go to the ER. It's been a long night. 

Well, they want me to follow up with my doctor to be sure, but they said that they don't see anything in my uterus. Cervix is still closed, and Beta is over 11000. But they are not seeing anything but "interference". 

There is a tiny part of me that wants to cling to the hope that they just didn't know what they were doing in this $h*thole of a hospital, and that the ultrasound tech at my regular doctor's will find it. The rest of me just sits and cries. 

I haven't decided which I prefer - not being successful, or saying an early goodbye. 

Lost a long post

So I started a huge update yesterday and lost it. I'm not much in a great mood today, so I will just say that we saw the sac (yay!) and it's in the right place (super yay!!!!)

5 weeks 4 days pregnant - lots of thoughts

I've had a multitude of emotions over the last few days. So many conversations with doctors where I they tell me one thing looks good, but something else is iffy. I go from being calm to anxious to excited to numb. I've spotted or bled almost every day.  I wish there was a label that told me when to worry and when everything was fine. 

Dr. L is the fellow who did the ultrasound during my transfer. I saw her yesterday when I was bleeding. She told me my HCG levels should be double what they were and the bleeding could be my body aborting. Great conversation. 

Well they took my blood again. Dr. E calls me yesterday evening and says that my HCG went to 4342, so it doesn't look ectopic. It more than doubled in a day!

This morning Dr. L calls me and tells me that my HCG levels look normal, so that's really good. Also that they are going to have me go to the hospital and do am ultrasound, which will be read by the head of the radiology department. He will let us know if it's ectopic and should be able to see the sac. So in the next 3.5 hours, I should know something.

I may post twice today. Just had to get it out. This blog and my IF friends are the only ways to really get this out. Sadly, only someone who has been through this really and truly gets it. 

Random thought - 5 weeks & 3 days pregnant

Short post today. Have an appointment tomorrow, and will fill you in then on the appointments, E2 levels, spotting, etc. So before I lost 27 pounds, I have had people ask me if I was pregnant on occasion. My answer was always, "No; I'm just fat". I will probably just ask why they ask as opposed to sharing at this point, but at least I won't get my feelings hurt ;)