Catching up

Okay, so it's been a while since I've written. It's not that big a deal, though, because I know everyone reading this blog. Since we've last spoken, I started a new cycle... or at least I tried to.

I had a very surreal experience at the clinic the last time I went. It was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, and the office was packed. I remember being really irritated, really frustrated that it took so long and that I had to go back to the meter twice. While I was there, I met this woman. She just started talking to me about how she had three-year-old twins through the clinic, and how she was trying for another child. She was already picking out baby names. I remember her talking to her mother, and telling her that she met this really nice person at the clinic (me). When she went out to the meter herself, she brought me back breakfast. It was very nice of her, even if it was something that I don't eat. I gave it to the homeless man outside when I went to feed my own meter. Funnily enough, this guy gave me his meter sticker to put in my car because he was leaving. There was a lot of "Pay it Forward" going on that day.

There's something to be said for that woman's... I don't know... optimism, I guess. The fact that she was already picking out names even though she hadn't taken a single injection could be delusional. Maybe it's just blind faith. I resolved to be at least a little more like her. There is a part of me that recognizes, however, that sometimes the answer to your prayer is no. I hope that's not the case. Anyway, I received a call from the doctor that afternoon that the cycle needed to be postponed because my hormone level was too high. Given the fact that we only ended up with one successfully fertilized egg last time, "suboptimal" was not a good way to start. So off we go to the new year and better success. Hopefully.

Giving Thanks

Just wanted to take a moment to reflect on blessings. I'm thankful for family and friends, a home, a job and reasonably good health.

Just waiting

Ten days since last post, so thought I'd drop a line. Not much going on except Thanksgiving prep. We will be staying home so off to the supermarket I go. If Aunt Flo does come next week, I'm all geared up.

Frozen in time

So I found out what happened to all the embryos from the cancelled cycles due to Hurricane Sandy: everything was frozen at that point. You have to figure anything that survives the thaw is pretty hearty; hope they work for those families.

I wish I could freeze time; give myself longer to make certain decisions, make sure I say or do the right thing...

Right now I'd settle for freezing time to make up the sleep I've missed from waking up too early. 😒

Delayed start

So it turns out that AF came today. As the office is still closed due to the dangling crane, I am going to miss the early part of the month. Looks like it will be another 3.5 weeks before we get started again. Oh well. Guess I can go on a three-week super diet to lose a few.

The Aftermath of Sandy

We've been pretty fortunate over here in that we had had power flickers but no full outage.  Although the water rose, it didn't rise high enough to flood us, so with the exception of cable services out for a day (no TV, Internet, phone) we were good.  Especially since I have a mobile broadband card that I was able to share with B.  It will be a while before I am traveling back to the office, though. It's right by the Battery, and under water.  This is what it looked like yesterday:

Got a call from the insurance company that the Gan.irelix is long term out of stock (wish they'd confirmed this when I transferred the Foll.istim script). There is also a hold on UPS deliveries to 10 states and DC, so the best they may be able to do is next week. Particularly with LaGuardia airport still under water. There's a runway under here.
  

Luckily I have Men.opur left to start with.  I called the Dr's office to see if they preferred Gan.irelix or Cetro.tide, but there was a recorded message that the office is closed until further notice due to the dangling crane on 57th street. 

This is almost a comedy of errors.  Given that there are people who lost homes and/or loved ones, however, I can only look at it as a minor headache.  I really feel for people who were mid-cycle who had already triggered had egg retrievals or embryo transfers cancelled. I wonder how the clinics will deal with those.

The weather outside is frightful...

What was previously Hurricane Sandy is now a Post-Tropical cyclone, aka Superstorm Sandy. I suddenly realized that I may be starting cycle number 2 this week and I should make sure my meds can get here.  Thank goodness for specialty pharmacies in California, because the east coast is toast!  Also doubly relieved we didn't lose power for very long; I just remembered I have 6 cartridges of Follistim in my fridge. That would have been pretty ugly.  I am going to check it now to make sure it's not frozen or anything.

WTF...

Had this appointment today. It's just like it sounds; you sit down with the doctor and try to figure out what the f*ck went wrong.

So the short answer is we don't know. My protocol dosages will get increased for the next one of my meds is changing. Hoping we just get more to work with. And that they are reachable; found out today that they left two the last time.

IF-1, Me, 0

IVF#1 is officially a bust. I've kinda known in for a couple of days; maybe the PMS gave it away? No... The bleeding; yeah that was it. Officially confirmed by the nurse at 2:59 yesterday.

FU, IF

I alternate between tearing up and not feeling anything. Wierd, huh?

When the nurse called and told me it was negative, I just said, "OK, thank you" and wanted to hang up. Now I just want AF to be over. Having the worst cramps ever. ::sigh::

At least I can have a big hunk of rum cake or a daiquiri this weekend. I have my WTF appointment next week, but I don't know when we'll try again.

Agony prolonged

Started real spotting today, and not the good time. Nurse wants me to come in tomorrow morning for beta and do progesterone just in case.

8dp3dt

Continuing progesterone suppositories despite the PMS symptoms that I am getting. Beta is on Thursday, so wait is almost over. My original plan was to POAS tomorrow, but I used the last one Thursday morning; just couldn't wait. That was the earliest potential time to get a BFP, but it wasn't. Now I will wait until the beta, as I won't buy any more.

I have good news about another attempt if we need it; B is good with us going through another cycle and we have enough insurance money left to try again. Still hoping this one works.

Went to an audition of Family Feud today. Steve Harvey was funny. It's been a challenging few weeks, so it was good to laugh.

Isn't it ironic, don'tcha think?

Having early morning insomnia, so playing Chicktionary on my phone. Missed one word: fertile.

You just can't make this stuff up.

If you can wait, and not get tired by waiting...

It's now 5dp3dt (5 days post 3 day transfer, for those not in the know). It's another 8 days before my scheduled beta. The days are going quickly due to work, but the nights... Another story.

I took the time on Monday morning to test if the trigger was gone, and got a negative test, as expected. So the next + sign means pregnant! OhpleaseOhpleaseOhplease.

An emotional day...

...is the best way to describe it.  I have had mixed feelings these last few days, wondering if... well, just wondering if this is the right thing to do; would it be so hard for us if this is what was meant to be?

So it was with some trepidation this morning that I went for the day 3 embryo transfer, with B grumbling not because of the time, but because that previous statement is answered by him with a resounding no. Yet I also know that we are given opportunities for a reason... I don't know anyone else who has gone through a cycle and had the entire thing covered by insurance. That has to count for something, right?

Not to be outdone by the stormy mood in the car, the weather was a torrential downpour by the time we got downtown.  Parking only 1.5 blocks away, but with my little portable umbrella to share amongst us, I was pretty wet by the time we got to the office.  Supposed to be there are 8:45 for a 9:15 appointment, but got there about ten minutes late... the first time ever. I started drinking water right away, and they called us in the back almost right away.  Good thing water goes right through me, else I might have been way off schedule!

I get undressed and B has to slip on coveralls, booties, and a surgeon's cap over his clothes; the coveralls were not really made for someone over 6 feet tall... he made jokes about feeling like he was wearing a thong and the pair being split; as I laughed, I realized my bladder was definitely full!

Into the room we go to wait for everyone, and they come in about 9:25.  Not a moment too soon, as I think I have a mild case of OHSS, and am starting to feel twinges in my right ovary from all this fluid.  Abdominal ultrasound... no wonder I had to drink myself to oblivion! The speculum is put in place and then the ultrasound wand is on my stomach.  Yep, really full bladder.  They fiddle with viewing the right spot, and then insert the outside catheter, I can see it on the screen, as well as what the doctor refers to as my lush, thick lining. Then they say they are ready for the other one with the embryo inside.  They've already given me a picture of the 6-cell grade B embie that I am holding in my hand; I am watching what looks like a grain of rice (the fluid around the embryo) as it passes through the inner catheter. Pretty cool! I had to lay there for ten minutes.  Then was able to get up and go to the bathroom! No heavy lifting or exertion for the next two days.

Now the wait. In two weeks I will know if this worked; I pray it does.  As I stare at the picture of our potential child, I realize how blessed I am to have seen life at such a level as this. It really makes me realize how much bigger that us it all really is.

They say it only takes just one...

...which is good, cuz that's all I've got. One fertilized egg. Fingers crossed that it keeps growing. Will have a 3 day transfer on Friday.

Party of 3? - LONG

It's been a roller coaster of a morning. Too keyed up to really sleep, yet totally exhausted. Knocked out, but woke up a couple of times. Roll out of bed before the alarm. Forgot to call the nurse and ask if I should take the doxycycline before since I wasn't supposed to eat or drink after midnight; after talking to a cousin who had gone through the process and did take it the time her cycle worked, I decided to go for it with just enough water to get it down my throat. VERY bad idea. Took me all of 20 minutes to feel sick. And I threw up three times before I left. If you've ever vomited an empty stomach, it's worse when it's nothing but medication.

In the car with grumbling B (not his best at 6:30am in traffic), and getting anxious since we have to be there at 7. After bypassing two parking garages, we come to one that's closest and the most expensive... Gotta love it. We walk in the building at 7:05, however, so I'm OK.

They call me at 7:26 for a 7:30 appt... Nice. Make me go to the bathroom again and get undressed. B has gone upstairs to make his ...contribution. all my stuff in a locker and then I am signing off that it's OK to sedate me and take my eggs and I understand the risks... I mean really? why not have me sign that in the office? who says no? I get introduced to the RE and the assistant, and then into the room. Insert the anesthesiologist and the embryologist, who is given a band that looks just like mine with my name on it and stuff. Oh cool, we're twins :) I scoot down on the table and then they knock me out.

I wake up in a recovery room. They tell me it's 8:30 and ask how I feel. Crampy and a little cold with a super dry throat. They give me water, offer me apple juice that was too sweet, and the dryest saltine crackers I've ever tasted. I left two packs there... Gross. In came the doctor and told me they got... 3 Mentioned my previous myomectomy and the fact that I'm a heavy breather when I sleep, so ultimately my safety is the driving factor. Whatever. I forget to ask how many were mature, but the nurse tells me that the 3 she mentioned were mature. So that's that. Waiting until tomorrow for the fertilization report to know how many we have and when they will transfer; likely Friday. Was super ready to go, so I said so when asked. Came around front to where B was waiting, and then waddled my crampy self to the car. Stopped so I could get a nice bland egg white breakfast sandwich to take another doxy with and some water for my super parched throat. Ate it and then hopped in bed for a nap.

Now awake, I realized that I went from being worried that I would ovulate before retrieval and have nothing to being disappointed that I only had three. Not to optimistic, is it? I had to laugh at myself.

I realize this is a super long post, but I figured the best way for someone who is curious (like me) to understand this is for me to be as descriptive as possible.

Triggering

Quick update on trigger yesterday and today's stuff. Got the call at noon to trigger at 8:30 for ER at 7:30 on Tuesday. I figured I'd start the process at 8:20 to give the HCG time to dissolve. Unbeknownst to me I was going to need the extra time to psych myself if for sticking a 1.5" needle in my backside. Now one and a half inches isn't super long... Unless its a needle. Then it's looooong! After several deep breaths and staring at the needle inches from my right cheek I literally took the plunge.

Not as bad as I thought, frankly, and better than my thigh mishap.

This morning was the day to get up and take an HCG urine test to confirm that retrieval could occur tomorrow. It's basically a false positive pregnancy test. I am super tempted to get a box of HPTs so I can see one that says "Pregnant". Sad really. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

Two places at once - UPDATED

So here's today's follicle count: R: 1-20mm, 1-19mm, 2-17mm, L: 1-19. RE wants me to come again tomorrow and not trigger until then. Which means egg retrieval on WEDNESDAY MORNING, when I have a big meeting I can't miss. Waiting now to see what we can do about it. I don't want this to be a waste, and I can't miss that meeting. I am trying to see if they can schedule it after 10, because there's no way I can be two places at once.

UPDATED - they've talked it over, and decided on Tuesday. I have to take a "morning dose" of my meds before 6:30.

Patience is a virtue

And one I am a little lacking in right now. MM this morning saw three follicles on the right: one 20mm, one 16mm, and one 14mm. Left (finally!) showed one 18mm. So I have to come back tomorrow, and no trigger tonight. Sigh.

Grant me patience, Lord... but hurry!

Declarations

Joel Os.teen has a new book out called I Declare. Simply put, it says that the words you put out into the atmosphere have a direct impact on your life. Dee.pak Cho.pra takes it further, saying that it's your thoughts... They affect your words, and so on. I don't know exactly how true it is, but I know it can't hurt. So I am declaring that everything will work out in the end, whatever and whenever that may be.

What a difference a day (or two) makes

Had MM again this morning. Right side has three that are 14mm, so it's a great sign! Left is still a little murky, but growing. Have another appointment on Saturday now, with retrieval hopefully Monday but maybe Tuesday. dosage continues tonight with another Cetro.tide shot tomorrow. Starting to feel a little uncomfortable in the pelvic region, which is to be expected with all of this extra fluid I'm carrying around.

Getting excited :)

-Optimistic

All in perspective

In a much better mood than yesterday. Looked up some day 6 follicle sizes, and it turns out that my numbers are actually decent. So here's to their continued improvement...

MM yesterday wasn't bad. Got there at 7:30, so was seen even more quickly than before. Blood drawn for E2 and then off to the ultrasound room. After the count and redressed, off with the nurse who explained how to inject the Cetro.tide. So that meant two shots last night. But I have become a wizard with a subcutaneous injection, even if the needle is a little longer... And I had to stick myself twice to get all the meds out. Good thing I only do that twice during the cycle and not every day, like others on a different protocol.

See? There's my silver lining!

-Optimistic

A little disappointed...

MM appointment this morning. On the right side 5 follies are now 12mm, 11mm, three<10mm. Left not visible. Hopefully it gets better... But not feeling too optimistic today.

A stimulating evening

A quick update since my last post.  Got my hormone results from the nurse, so OK to start. Plan was to go home, chill out, and take meds before bed.  But then hubby sprung a date night on me.  Not a bad surprise at all! :). So I had to rush home for work, pick out my clothes, and then do the  injections since we wouldn't be back before midnight.  Medication mixing wasn't too difficult, as the nurse went over the instruction with me. I was about to inject when he walked into the bathroom, and for some reason I couldn't do it.  So I made him leave as he was shaking his head.

OK, insert the needle in a quick, dart like motion... OUCH! May have been a little over zealous with the dart like motion.  I survived though.  Tiny drop of blood when done, so not too bad.

Then off to date night. Fun!

-Optimistic

And we're off!

I have been counting down this day for a while, and it's finally here. Aunt Flo came yesterday (send me a comment or google it if you don't know what that is) so we can get started. I made my appointment for morning monitoring (MM) last night and planned to leave at 6:30 so I could be the first one here and sign in at 7:15a.

Well, it didn't exactly happen that way. For starters, I've had a sinus headache since yesterday and I was a little too excited to properly sleep. Couldn't find my shoes this morning, blah blah blah, and there was an overturned truck on the opposite side of the highway that everyone gawked at. After going to the wrong floor, I settled in at 7:45, which was good timing. Didn't wait too long before they paged me and drew my blood. Ultrasound showed 9 follicles. Met with the nurse to review my protocol. Provided there are no issues with the bloodwork, will start injections today.

Labor Day Weekend Ramblings

My friend Everitt came to town during the week, and sent me a text about getting together. I'd rather he'd given me a heads up before he got here, but he's always been a fly by the seat of his pants guy so I'm not sure why I thought that would change.  So on Saturday we went to dinner: M and me, Everitt, and another mutual friend, Janelle.  Had fun closing the restaurant down, and then went into the city to a lounge. I've discovered a new intolerance for liquor: I was totally nauseous after two martinis at dinner.  Thought I was good once we hit the lounge and ordered another drink.  Sipped it for two hours, alternating between the drink and my water. M looked at me funny when he asked if I wanted another drink and I told him cranberry and seltzer.  The older I get, the cheaper a date I become.

After partying until the wee hours, I dragged myself out of bed to serve communion at church.  We do it by intinction, where you dip the bread in the wine; I got to hold the wine.  This is the first time I've served it that way, and it amazed me how people picked over the bread.  Kinda grossed me out some.  Glad I don't see it often.  Guess the Mark 7 scripture reference about clean hands was directed at me.

Now it's Monday afternoon, and I feel totally lazy.  I should wash a load of clothes, do some cleaning and wash my hair, not necessarily in that order.  Instead, I am surfing the web and posting on my blog.  I am renaming Labor Day to Lazy Day. Unofficially, of course.

-Optimistic

Thought of the day

Reinventing yourself sucks. Never stray from what is already obviously a winning formula.

...If you have a losing formula, ignore this post.

A new beginning

Hello, world.

OK, so the world isn't actually looking at this blog, but in an ode to Programming 101, I figured I'd use it, anyway.  Who knows?  Maybe that will change, and I will become a super-famous anonymous blogger whose insightfulness is quoted around the water cooler.  "That Optimistic," someone would say.  "So insightful! I wish I was more like her!"

Well there's a difference between optimism and just plan foolishness, so I'll stop myself there, and continue with the introduction.  Hi! I'm HopelesslyOptimistic (Optimistic for short), and welcome to my blog.  I'm not 100% sure what I want to get out of this process.  I've fancied writing a book, and figured this would be a good start.  I'm also about to embark on the lovely journey of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). So rather that bore my family and friends, I though I'd turn to the "anonymity" of the web.  Of course, the names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-quite-so-innocent.

Truthfully, I've sucked at journal/diary writing in the past, but I always love finding the entries and reading them years later.  So here I go.  I'll tell you more about me as we go along.  Thanks for making it to the end.

-Optimistic