Negative Beta day +1

Today is a sucky day. I have a headache from crying and from messing up my sleep pattern (laid down at 8. Don't know what time I fell asleep, but I woke up at 3:30am and have been up for the last few hours. 

I've had failed cycles before, but this one hurt more. Maybe because it's so close to the miscarriage; after all, I was pregnant less than three months ago. 

B says that he thinks I should give my body a break and get back on my food and exercise regimen. I agree on the exercise piece. I don't know what I want to do about food/supplements though. I'm tired of popping pills in the hopes that my reserve/quality will be good enough. I'm tired of going through cycles and getting one egg. I'm just tired of being disappointed and hurt. And taking time off won't help much, either: I'm 40. I've had reproductive system issues since I was 20. In the past 3 years I've had a myomectomy, 4 failed IVF cycles and a miscarriage. Isn't the definition of stupidity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? 

I just feel really defeated and don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I know that miracles happen; I just wonder if it's in my cards. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother. I just don't understand why He would let me want something so much if it weren't for me. I wish I knew. Maybe that would help me not to feel so down. 

Beta day - down and out

Well, I just got the news from the nurse.  Not pregnant.  Glad I didn't POAS and waste it.  Woman drawing blood today said it was a good cycle for a lot of people. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

IF wins again.

11dp3dt - even more anxious

Second post today; will probably post twice tomorrow as well. 

We were on the road and I got really gassy and had serious cramps. Went to the bathroom and was spotting. So now I'm worried that I'm out. I'm thinking about taking an HPT in the morning since I'm already distracted. I don't know...

11dp3dt and nervous

Beta tomorrow. Tomorrow we will find out if the cycle worked and if we are that much closer to being parents. Symptoms: milky CM, slightly heavy boobs.  And I'm crampy again... Took Tyl.enol yesterday because they hurt.  My mind is telling me that they are different from PMS cramps, and I've seen no blood at all.  I pray that I'm right.  B says that I have to be fine either way, and I will try. I'm just praying that we have cause to celebrate.

10dp3dt and a long post

Met one of my SIL's friends for the first time yesterday. Of course she asks if we have kids and what are we waiting for...  Lovely, but not the worst I heard for the day. The topic of Kanye & Kim's gender selection came up between me and SIL's eldest daughter... which segued

into comments about how "unnatural" IVF is and how if it can't happen people should just accept it. Fun day. 

Sometimes I want to blurt out, "I'm waiting for me NOT to miscarry" so they are the uncomfortable ones. B diverted the questions this time, which I appreciated. 

I also wanted to say to my niece that it's doubly hard for her to understand because she and two of her three sisters  were teenage moms (the other actually hit 20 before the baby was born) and her brother was a teenage dad. B is the only one who went to and graduated from college. So they look at me and think I have it all... Of course, I will admit that aside from dealing with IF, I've lived a pretty charmed life by most people's standards (B has actually said that to me before-- like I didn't know). I tried to remind myself that almost everything EXCEPT child bearing has been hard for them (of course, a lot of it is self-inflicted, but I try very hard not to be judgemental). It's just tiring. 

As far as cycle goes, I'm crampy and have heaps of CM. AF was officially due yesterday. I was a little sad yesterday when the cramps started and I felt a lot of moisture, but when I saw it was CM, I was happy. Today, it's milky again and I think cervix is high, which is also a good sign. I hope this means AF's taking a year long vacation that ends with a mini me 😏. I tested the trigger out this past Tuesday. Last cycle, I tested the Saturday before but I am thinking I will wait. I have a big meeting Monday morning, and I want to stay focused. I'm taking off Monday afternoon, though, so will be home when I get the call. Fingers, toes, eyes crossed. Let me see if I can find something else to cross as well. 😉

9dp3dt

Luteal bloods again today. Boobs feeling a bit heavy again.  So far, AF has not shown up, although she would be due today.  3 more days to go.

8dp3dt and losing hope

I'm telling myself it's not over, but I'm not feeling very sure about it. Temperature has dropped twice in the last 2 days. Boobs feel less heavy this morning and I think my cervix is open and low. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but started feel a little foolish about doing so. I keep wondering why I'm not getting and staying pregnant if this is meant for me, and why God doesn't remove this desire if it's not. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn or even do here. 

Where does hope end and foolish fancy begin?

7dp3dt - getting closer

Time is actually starting to move more quickly... Hoping that's a good thing. 

Slight twinges today... Nothing really big. Except my boobs ;). Didn't have to pee as much last night. Hope that's not a bad sign. Taking deep breaths. 5 more days until Beta. Hope it's the first of a few. 

6dp3dt - feeling good

I love symptom logs! Was a little down yesterday because of the cramps, but them looked at my log from March and saw that I had cramps around this time last cycle, which immediately gave me hope. I also got a reminder about faithfulness from a board, and some other posters (thanks Gma, fambaby). 

The days seem to be moving a little more quickly, which we be a great thing if we get good news. Have to call the nurse today to ask her how early or late I can take my shot... We have a fundraiser to go to tomorrow. Not looking forward to an IM progesterone shot in a restaurant bathroom... And I may have to do it myself. Oh boy.

I have to buy another vial of PIO... In keeping with my tradition, I wait until I'm running low. I'm self pay, so better to pay for what I know I need. If my beta is positive in Monday, I'll have to order another one a little early, since they are closed on July 4th. 

6 more days to go. We are going to my SIL this weekend, so I know those days will speed by. 

Symptoms: very slight crampiness, frequent urination, slight milky white discharge, enlarged labia, sore boobs (don't you just love progesterone!). Temp is still elevated. 

5dp3dt

Cramps.  That's what I'm feeling right now.  Trying not to be down, although I've been a little sad since Saturday.  My boobs still feel gigantic, but the main thing is the cramps.  I'm trying to decide if I want to test over the weekend or wait until Monday's Beta.  I did have cramps the last time, but i don't think they were this early.  Will have to go and check.

Taking a deep breath.

4dp3dt & yesterday's random gut punch

I'm having a good time watching the days go by for now... It's not seeming quite as daunting although I still have 8 more days to go. Of course, I'm still examining every symptom, trying not to read too much.  My boobs are like weights, and I'm not small to begin with... Got up to go to the bathroom, and it really hurt when I stood up.  I'm runnin out of PIO spots that don't hurt, since I had bruising from before... I may have to ask for suppositories or something.

Milky discharge seems to have gone done some.  Labia are still out a little.  Cervix seems high, but that's also to be expected based on where I am in the cycle.  Still hopeful.

Now on to the gut punch...my nephew's birthday party was yesterday.    It was cold and then started to really rain, so B and I decided to leave. I made the rounds to say goodbye to everyone.  My sister's MIL was there and she asked me how I was doing.  I said fine.  Then she gave me a hug and said, "I heard; I'm sorry."

WTH?!?!

My sister doesn't even like her MIL half the time... Why would she share my miscarriage with her? Did she tell her about IVF?  Or just that I was pregnant? How many other people has she told. This should be my story to share as I choose.  Not only was I not prepared for that conversation, but I've made an effort not to focus on it now. It just threw me for an unhappy loop.

B told me that's why he doesn't tell anyone anything.

3dp3dt... Again

I added the "again" because I noticed that this is where I started posting symptoms and such  the last cycle. Experience is basically the same this time except for the sore boobs, I hope this means the Beta outcome is the same, but I won't know for another 9 days. At least weekends seem to go faster than week days; I'm off part of next week, though, so hopefully that pushes things along, too.

I'm hungry" but that's a PMS thing as well.  Have a slight headache, slight dizziness. PIO bruising still hurts. The game is trying to find a place that isn't.  I'm also going out during the week and away next weekend, so I'm going to have to sort out the fun of injections and travel. It should be interesting.

Animals ate my hosta plants, so I went to the garden store to get some new ones. Couldn't resist also buying some beautiful hydrangeas. When I got home, I noticed that one was pink and the other blue. Wonder if that was subconscious.

2dp3dt

Long day today and I'm tired, so will just note today's symptoms courtesy of my friend progesterone:

• Fatigue (so ready to fall asleep)
• Milky white discharge (so much fun)
• Super tender breasts (they feel like casaba melons. Taking off my bra hurts.  
• Con.sti.pa.tion (ugh...I'd forgotten about that)

10 more days to go...

1dp3dt - a myriad of emotions

It seems almost silly to write 1dp. Not much going on in the way of results yet, but I'm still thinking that I want to try chronicling every day.

Such a mix of emotions swirling through my head. Anxiety about whether or not it will work... Real fear that it may not. I'm creating symbolism where there may not be any... Like how my ER was on my nephew's birthday, and that this baby's V day (date of viability outside of the womb) will be my first due date... 

Every twinge makes me anxious. I don't dare mention to B how hard a time I'm having with trying to relax; he'll tell me that I'm introducing trouble. I know he's right this time; I need to find a calmer place, or the next 11 days will be pure hell. 

Symptoms: having twinges on both sides, similar to ovulation pain. They left one in, though, so I would be surprised if it released on its own. My mom commented that maybe it will fertilize as well, since B and I had a fun morning 2 days before ER. Imagine that. 

Transfer day (0dp3dt)

I went into work today all pins and needles waiting for the call. Finally at around 11:30, my nurse calls. Transfer at 2:15!  I'm so excited to have another shot.

Last time I had an ultrasound guided transfer... This time I don't, but no one told me to empty my bladder. Good thing it wasn't too full.

Dr. C is doing transfers today. We meet again, I tell him. Up on the table and I mention that my bladder isn't empty. He tells me it's not a problem.  He shows me the picture and tells me that my body is very efficient since I got 1 mature egg that fertilized.  It's 8 cells as well, which is a good sign.  

In it goes, and they confirm the catheter is empty. I'm off to recovery. Dr. E calls while I'm getting dressed to say that it's 8 cells, and graded the same as the other one in March. That's a little bit of comfort.  Time will tell how things go.

And now the wait begins. 

Good news!

It fertilized!!!! So if all goes well, I will transfer tomorrow. So excited :D!

Trigger and Retrieval Days

Triggered at 1:15 am on Saturday, and then had pre-op at 6:30, so not a lot of sleep.  Found out that I would be last for retrieval.  Came home and did some chores around the house.  In the afternoon, my sister came by for help with the party favors for my nephew (marshmallows decorated like minions).  As my sister and the kids arrive, I hear water.  Quite a bit of water.  My upstairs neighbors apparently had some flooding which caused problems in both levels of our unit.  Now we get to replace a light fixture, ceiling drywall, and perhaps a mildewy carpet... all stress that I needed the day before a retrieval.

Retrieval day arrived bright and early.  My sister and the kids left at midnight, so I had another night without much sleep.  I had to be there at 8:30, B at 10:45.  I told him 10:30, since he elected to drop me off and then come back.  I should have said 10, since he got there at 10:50.  Fortunately they weren't exactly on time... I got called back into the second waiting room about 12:45ish.  Went on the table at 1:41 (I asked), and told the doctor that my ovaries have been hiding some.  He noted that they had done 2 abdominal scans to see my follicles. Evidently, they decided that was the best course because I woke up about 4pm in recovery with a bandage high on my pelvis.

And the verdict is ...one.  They retrieved one egg. I'm upset, and will be unless I get good news today that this one fertilized properly and that I had something to transfer.

More to come, I hope.

It takes ...two?

Ultrasound this morning shows 2 follicles at 18.  Waiting for my bloodwork, but it's likely I will trigger tonight for ER on Sunday.  I am super nervous about having just 2, but also glad they aren't talking about canceling the cycle.  Please let something come out of this.

Don't you want a baby?

My cousins (in-law) are moving to Cali, and had a going away celebration on Saturday.  I'd never met  her mom before then, when I was introduced as B's wife.  She offers me the seat next to her, and then asks in a hesitant voice, "Don't you want a baby?"

I took a line from my mom's favorite phrase and said, "If it happens...".  Inside, I feel like the bandage has been ripped off.  Family gatherings are getting harder and harder... two weeks ago, someone asked me if there was a bun in the oven yet. In front of a group of people.

I don't say that I would be pregnant except for the miscarriage... funny how conscious I am about making people feel uncomfortable when they don't seem to get how they are making me feel. I don't say that I want one so badly that I'm doing multiple injections a night and paying thousands of dollars for the chance to maybe have one. I don't mention B rearranging schedules to give samples and popping his own share of pills.

I don't mention that there are so many hopes pinned on the next 7 days... U/s yesterday shows 2 follicles ~ 11.5 and 4 > 10.  I pray that they keep growing and that we end up with more than one.

Or at least one that grows into a baby that we finally get to take home.

First World Problems

I'm in a private group on face.book. This week, we had a little rant about FWP, a.k.a First World Problems. If you don't know what they are, I mean things like my computer is too old or I have to buy another pair of black shoes because the ones I have don't match my special outfit... things that don't matter to those with no electricity or Internet and don't have shoes. 

This morning, I was reading new posts, and laughing. I started reading them to B. It really brought home how blessed I am, even with this current struggle. 

Infertility is not a First World Problem, but IVF is. I realized today that as we bemoan the costs of cycling and move from one RE to the next in search of success, that it's a privilege to have this opportunity; one that I have simply by virtue of being born where I was and working where I do. 

So today, as I go in for monitoring and see if my 5 follies have grown, I say a prayer not just for those that I know, but for everyone struggling with infertility, particularly those in places with no options for treatment or the means to get help. 

Soooo Anxious...

I woke up in the middle of the night with that song in my head. Not the whole song; just that part, playing incessantly. 

Right now I am in a room waiting for an ultrasound. About 14 pounds heavier than when I started before (ugh!) and feeling really nervous. Really want this to work. Hoping I gave some good follicles to start with. And that I get the call tonight to start stims. So anxious. 

CD1

AF started today. So I go in tomorrow. If everything looks good, that means injectables tomorrow night.