Thursday, December 24, 2015

Happy Holidays?

This is always an interesting time of year, and this time is no different. I've been pretty OK over the last month, though there was a moment when I was in a funny place, but that's a comment for another day. 

Someone from a FB group that I'm in sent an email to the group that said she was thinking of (those of us with IF) and sending us hugs. I know she had a really difficult time and ended up finally being successful with a donor cycle, so I know it came from a good place. And I know she didn't mean it this way, but my mind added "you poor things (to be pitied)" at the end of it. This is a sucky place to be. 

It is what it is, though; this too shall pass, I hope. 

Looking forward to the days when these holidays are really happy again. 

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Due date

Today is my EDD (expected due date). Not likely to have been the actual day, since the surgeon who did my
myomectomy said that I would have to have a c-section. 

Fortunately, I'm feeling OK today. A little wistful, but haven't fallen apart. Which is huge progress. It doesn't guarantee that tomorrow won't be harder, but it's progress nonetheless. 

Going to sleep now, but will write more soon. Lots going on. 


Friday, November 20, 2015

Faith come alive

That's the name of a song I was listening to this morning. I don't know if it's a lack of faith, or if it's a question of whether or not my prayers will be answered (how I want them to).  

It's clearly a question I don't expect an answer to today. My pastor told me that part of the answer comes with constant prayer and patience. So grant me patience, Lord... but hurry!

I saw that written on a bumper sticker one day. How apropos. 

Monday, October 5, 2015

It's been awhile...

Haven't posted in a few months. It's been a roller coaster, emotionally. Sometimes I'm fine and hopeful to get started again, and sometimes I'm just sad that I'm not getting ready to give birth. 

Today just became one of the latter. AF came yesterday, so I've just started day 2. Saw a commercial of a woman holding a newborn little girl and just started crying. 

This sucks. I'm thinking about completely giving up writing this blog. I originally wanted to chronicle my journey and give hope to others going through IF, but I don't know how much I have anymore. 

Friday, July 31, 2015

Just another day

It's been a couple of weeks since my last post.  I thought about posting a week or so ago, and fell asleep.

Not much going on right now as I wait for October/November to come around.  I don't know if I am discontent because the time is passing and I'm not pregnant and every day gets me closer, or if that's just the icing on the cake. My stepdad's family barbecue is tomorrow.  I went last year for the first time, and remember hoping that I would pregnant by this year's. And I almost was.

This is hard.  I didn't want this blog to be a total "woe is me" thing, but sometimes it feels like that's what it is.  Perhaps it's just easier to get out this way, without worrying if someone is judging me.

Saw the musical Wicked on Wednesday.  For those who haven't seen it, it makes you see The Wizard of Oz in a whole new light.  For those who have, maybe I should try looking at things a different way.

Maybe I should try defying gravity.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Thoughts and updates

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last post.  I thought about posting a couple of times but then I would feel a little down and I didn't want to be too "woe is me".  Also, I'm feeling a little like I'm letting infertility define who I am as a person.  While it is a part of who I am, I'm hoping that it doesn't last forever...

So I still want to be a mom. And I still want to give birth.  I have my WTF appointment next week, so I will hear what Dr E. has to say.  I'm starting to wrap my head around maybe having to do a donor cycle. In the meantime, I'm taking the summer off from assisted reproductive technologies and working on losing 10 pounds.

Now on to the potentially interesting stuff.  On Thursday, spoke with a former colleague M who works at SM Co, the company I left last September.  She is really unhappy there and tried to apply to some positions where I am now, but wasn't accepted. While I was speaking with her, I looked on the website of HM Co and mentioned that there is another friend of mine that works there... low and behold, there is a Project Manager position.  I told M that I would speak with him.  So I text him that I see there is a PM position there, and I wanted info, to which he replies, "Please come here!!!".

Wow.  I called him Thursday night, and we spoke for a while.  I mentioned the position for M and he told me what that group was (not his) and what the salary range with likely be.  I knew M would jump at it... I would.

Then he tells me that his group has a horrible program manager and that he wants me to work with his group. O.M.G.  To say it would open up other opportunities for me would be an understatement.

If it were just about the money, I would say that I probably wouldn't last there long. But I'm not super happy where I am now, mainly because I feel like my manager is taking all the plum assignments and giving me the crap.  I already knew that I had an expiration date on my time here, so now I'm super excited about what could be.  Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Negative Beta day +1

Today is a sucky day. I have a headache from crying and from messing up my sleep pattern (laid down at 8. Don't know what time I fell asleep, but I woke up at 3:30am and have been up for the last few hours. 

I've had failed cycles before, but this one hurt more. Maybe because it's so close to the miscarriage; after all, I was pregnant less than three months ago. 

B says that he thinks I should give my body a break and get back on my food and exercise regimen. I agree on the exercise piece. I don't know what I want to do about food/supplements though. I'm tired of popping pills in the hopes that my reserve/quality will be good enough. I'm tired of going through cycles and getting one egg. I'm just tired of being disappointed and hurt. And taking time off won't help much, either: I'm 40. I've had reproductive system issues since I was 20. In the past 3 years I've had a myomectomy, 4 failed IVF cycles and a miscarriage. Isn't the definition of stupidity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? 

I just feel really defeated and don't understand why this keeps happening to me. I know that miracles happen; I just wonder if it's in my cards. Maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother. I just don't understand why He would let me want something so much if it weren't for me. I wish I knew. Maybe that would help me not to feel so down. 

Monday, June 29, 2015

Beta day - down and out

Well, I just got the news from the nurse.  Not pregnant.  Glad I didn't POAS and waste it.  Woman drawing blood today said it was a good cycle for a lot of people. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them.

IF wins again.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

11dp3dt - even more anxious

Second post today; will probably post twice tomorrow as well. 

We were on the road and I got really gassy and had serious cramps. Went to the bathroom and was spotting. So now I'm worried that I'm out. I'm thinking about taking an HPT in the morning since I'm already distracted. I don't know...

11dp3dt and nervous

Beta tomorrow. Tomorrow we will find out if the cycle worked and if we are that much closer to being parents. Symptoms: milky CM, slightly heavy boobs.  And I'm crampy again... Took Tyl.enol yesterday because they hurt.  My mind is telling me that they are different from PMS cramps, and I've seen no blood at all.  I pray that I'm right.  B says that I have to be fine either way, and I will try. I'm just praying that we have cause to celebrate.


Saturday, June 27, 2015

10dp3dt and a long post


Met one of my SIL's friends for the first time yesterday. Of course she asks if we have kids and what are we waiting for...  Lovely, but not the worst I heard for the day. The topic of Kanye & Kim's gender selection came up between me and SIL's eldest daughter... which segued
into comments about how "unnatural" IVF is and how if it can't happen people should just accept it. Fun day. 

Sometimes I want to blurt out, "I'm waiting for me NOT to miscarry" so they are the uncomfortable ones. B diverted the questions this time, which I appreciated. 

I also wanted to say to my niece that it's doubly hard for her to understand because she and two of her three sisters  were teenage moms (the other actually hit 20 before the baby was born) and her brother was a teenage dad. B is the only one who went to and graduated from college. So they look at me and think I have it all... Of course, I will admit that aside from dealing with IF, I've lived a pretty charmed life by most people's standards (B has actually said that to me before-- like I didn't know). I tried to remind myself that almost everything EXCEPT child bearing has been hard for them (of course, a lot of it is self-inflicted, but I try very hard not to be judgemental). It's just tiring. 

As far as cycle goes, I'm crampy and have heaps of CM. AF was officially due yesterday. I was a little sad yesterday when the cramps started and I felt a lot of moisture, but when I saw it was CM, I was happy. Today, it's milky again and I think cervix is high, which is also a good sign. I hope this means AF's taking a year long vacation that ends with a mini me 😏. I tested the trigger out this past Tuesday. Last cycle, I tested the Saturday before but I am thinking I will wait. I have a big meeting Monday morning, and I want to stay focused. I'm taking off Monday afternoon, though, so will be home when I get the call. Fingers, toes, eyes crossed. Let me see if I can find something else to cross as well. 😉

Friday, June 26, 2015

9dp3dt

Luteal bloods again today. Boobs feeling a bit heavy again.  So far, AF has not shown up, although she would be due today.  3 more days to go.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

8dp3dt and losing hope

I'm telling myself it's not over, but I'm not feeling very sure about it. Temperature has dropped twice in the last 2 days. Boobs feel less heavy this morning and I think my cervix is open and low. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but started feel a little foolish about doing so. I keep wondering why I'm not getting and staying pregnant if this is meant for me, and why God doesn't remove this desire if it's not. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn or even do here. 

Where does hope end and foolish fancy begin?

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

7dp3dt - getting closer

Time is actually starting to move more quickly... Hoping that's a good thing. 
Slight twinges today... Nothing really big. Except my boobs ;). Didn't have to pee as much last night. Hope that's not a bad sign. Taking deep breaths. 5 more days until Beta. Hope it's the first of a few. 

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

6dp3dt - feeling good

I love symptom logs! Was a little down yesterday because of the cramps, but them looked at my log from March and saw that I had cramps around this time last cycle, which immediately gave me hope. I also got a reminder about faithfulness from a board, and some other posters (thanks Gma, fambaby). 

The days seem to be moving a little more quickly, which we be a great thing if we get good news. Have to call the nurse today to ask her how early or late I can take my shot... We have a fundraiser to go to tomorrow. Not looking forward to an IM progesterone shot in a restaurant bathroom... And I may have to do it myself. Oh boy.

I have to buy another vial of PIO... In keeping with my tradition, I wait until I'm running low. I'm self pay, so better to pay for what I know I need. If my beta is positive in Monday, I'll have to order another one a little early, since they are closed on July 4th. 

6 more days to go. We are going to my SIL this weekend, so I know those days will speed by. 

Symptoms: very slight crampiness, frequent urination, slight milky white discharge, enlarged labia, sore boobs (don't you just love progesterone!). Temp is still elevated. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

5dp3dt

Cramps.  That's what I'm feeling right now.  Trying not to be down, although I've been a little sad since Saturday.  My boobs still feel gigantic, but the main thing is the cramps.  I'm trying to decide if I want to test over the weekend or wait until Monday's Beta.  I did have cramps the last time, but i don't think they were this early.  Will have to go and check.

Taking a deep breath.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

4dp3dt & yesterday's random gut punch

I'm having a good time watching the days go by for now... It's not seeming quite as daunting although I still have 8 more days to go. Of course, I'm still examining every symptom, trying not to read too much.  My boobs are like weights, and I'm not small to begin with... Got up to go to the bathroom, and it really hurt when I stood up.  I'm runnin out of PIO spots that don't hurt, since I had bruising from before... I may have to ask for suppositories or something.

Milky discharge seems to have gone done some.  Labia are still out a little.  Cervix seems high, but that's also to be expected based on where I am in the cycle.  Still hopeful.

Now on to the gut punch...my nephew's birthday party was yesterday.    It was cold and then started to really rain, so B and I decided to leave. I made the rounds to say goodbye to everyone.  My sister's MIL was there and she asked me how I was doing.  I said fine.  Then she gave me a hug and said, "I heard; I'm sorry."

WTH?!?!

My sister doesn't even like her MIL half the time... Why would she share my miscarriage with her? Did she tell her about IVF?  Or just that I was pregnant? How many other people has she told. This should be my story to share as I choose.  Not only was I not prepared for that conversation, but I've made an effort not to focus on it now. It just threw me for an unhappy loop.

B told me that's why he doesn't tell anyone anything.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

3dp3dt... Again

I added the "again" because I noticed that this is where I started posting symptoms and such  the last cycle. Experience is basically the same this time except for the sore boobs, I hope this means the Beta outcome is the same, but I won't know for another 9 days. At least weekends seem to go faster than week days; I'm off part of next week, though, so hopefully that pushes things along, too.

I'm hungry" but that's a PMS thing as well.  Have a slight headache, slight dizziness. PIO bruising still hurts. The game is trying to find a place that isn't.  I'm also going out during the week and away next weekend, so I'm going to have to sort out the fun of injections and travel. It should be interesting.

Animals ate my hosta plants, so I went to the garden store to get some new ones. Couldn't resist also buying some beautiful hydrangeas. When I got home, I noticed that one was pink and the other blue. Wonder if that was subconscious.

Friday, June 19, 2015

2dp3dt

Long day today and I'm tired, so will just note today's symptoms courtesy of my friend progesterone:

  • Fatigue (so ready to fall asleep)
  • Milky white discharge (so much fun)
  • Super tender breasts (they feel like casaba melons. Taking off my bra hurts.  
  • Con.sti.pa.tion (ugh...I'd forgotten about that)
10 more days to go...

Thursday, June 18, 2015

1dp3dt - a myriad of emotions

It seems almost silly to write 1dp. Not much going on in the way of results yet, but I'm still thinking that I want to try chronicling every day.

Such a mix of emotions swirling through my head. Anxiety about whether or not it will work... Real fear that it may not. I'm creating symbolism where there may not be any... Like how my ER was on my nephew's birthday, and that this baby's V day (date of viability outside of the womb) will be my first due date... 

Every twinge makes me anxious. I don't dare mention to B how hard a time I'm having with trying to relax; he'll tell me that I'm introducing trouble. I know he's right this time; I need to find a calmer place, or the next 11 days will be pure hell. 

Symptoms: having twinges on both sides, similar to ovulation pain. They left one in, though, so I would be surprised if it released on its own. My mom commented that maybe it will fertilize as well, since B and I had a fun morning 2 days before ER. Imagine that. 

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Transfer day (0dp3dt)

I went into work today all pins and needles waiting for the call. Finally at around 11:30, my nurse calls. Transfer at 2:15!  I'm so excited to have another shot.

Last time I had an ultrasound guided transfer... This time I don't, but no one told me to empty my bladder. Good thing it wasn't too full.

Dr. C is doing transfers today. We meet again, I tell him. Up on the table and I mention that my bladder isn't empty. He tells me it's not a problem.  He shows me the picture and tells me that my body is very efficient since I got 1 mature egg that fertilized.  It's 8 cells as well, which is a good sign.  

In it goes, and they confirm the catheter is empty. I'm off to recovery. Dr. E calls while I'm getting dressed to say that it's 8 cells, and graded the same as the other one in March. That's a little bit of comfort.  Time will tell how things go.

And now the wait begins. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Good news!

It fertilized!!!! So if all goes well, I will transfer tomorrow. So excited :D!

Monday, June 15, 2015

Trigger and Retrieval Days

Triggered at 1:15 am on Saturday, and then had pre-op at 6:30, so not a lot of sleep.  Found out that I would be last for retrieval.  Came home and did some chores around the house.  In the afternoon, my sister came by for help with the party favors for my nephew (marshmallows decorated like minions).  As my sister and the kids arrive, I hear water.  Quite a bit of water.  My upstairs neighbors apparently had some flooding which caused problems in both levels of our unit.  Now we get to replace a light fixture, ceiling drywall, and perhaps a mildewy carpet... all stress that I needed the day before a retrieval.

Retrieval day arrived bright and early.  My sister and the kids left at midnight, so I had another night without much sleep.  I had to be there at 8:30, B at 10:45.  I told him 10:30, since he elected to drop me off and then come back.  I should have said 10, since he got there at 10:50.  Fortunately they weren't exactly on time... I got called back into the second waiting room about 12:45ish.  Went on the table at 1:41 (I asked), and told the doctor that my ovaries have been hiding some.  He noted that they had done 2 abdominal scans to see my follicles. Evidently, they decided that was the best course because I woke up about 4pm in recovery with a bandage high on my pelvis.

And the verdict is ...one.  They retrieved one egg. I'm upset, and will be unless I get good news today that this one fertilized properly and that I had something to transfer.

More to come, I hope.

Friday, June 12, 2015

It takes ...two?

Ultrasound this morning shows 2 follicles at 18.  Waiting for my bloodwork, but it's likely I will trigger tonight for ER on Sunday.  I am super nervous about having just 2, but also glad they aren't talking about canceling the cycle.  Please let something come out of this.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Don't you want a baby?

My cousins (in-law) are moving to Cali, and had a going away celebration on Saturday.  I'd never met  her mom before then, when I was introduced as B's wife.  She offers me the seat next to her, and then asks in a hesitant voice, "Don't you want a baby?"

I took a line from my mom's favorite phrase and said, "If it happens...".  Inside, I feel like the bandage has been ripped off.  Family gatherings are getting harder and harder... two weeks ago, someone asked me if there was a bun in the oven yet. In front of a group of people.

I don't say that I would be pregnant except for the miscarriage... funny how conscious I am about making people feel uncomfortable when they don't seem to get how they are making me feel. I don't say that I want one so badly that I'm doing multiple injections a night and paying thousands of dollars for the chance to maybe have one. I don't mention B rearranging schedules to give samples and popping his own share of pills.

I don't mention that there are so many hopes pinned on the next 7 days... U/s yesterday shows 2 follicles ~ 11.5 and 4 > 10.  I pray that they keep growing and that we end up with more than one.

Or at least one that grows into a baby that we finally get to take home.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

First World Problems

I'm in a private group on face.book. This week, we had a little rant about FWP, a.k.a First World Problems. If you don't know what they are, I mean things like my computer is too old or I have to buy another pair of black shoes because the ones I have don't match my special outfit... things that don't matter to those with no electricity or Internet and don't have shoes. 

This morning, I was reading new posts, and laughing. I started reading them to B. It really brought home how blessed I am, even with this current struggle. 

Infertility is not a First World Problem, but IVF is. I realized today that as we bemoan the costs of cycling and move from one RE to the next in search of success, that it's a privilege to have this opportunity; one that I have simply by virtue of being born where I was and working where I do. 

So today, as I go in for monitoring and see if my 5 follies have grown, I say a prayer not just for those that I know, but for everyone struggling with infertility, particularly those in places with no options for treatment or the means to get help. 


Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Soooo Anxious...

I woke up in the middle of the night with that song in my head. Not the whole song; just that part, playing incessantly. 

Right now I am in a room waiting for an ultrasound. About 14 pounds heavier than when I started before (ugh!) and feeling really nervous. Really want this to work. Hoping I gave some good follicles to start with. And that I get the call tonight to start stims. So anxious. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

CD1

AF started today. So I go in tomorrow. If everything looks good, that means injectables tomorrow night.

Saturday, May 30, 2015

Patch day

Lots going on today. I woke up at 5am. On a Saturday morning, yuck. On one where my sister wants me to babysit, double yuck. It will not help me to be tired when they get here; they're 8 and 3. 

I put a patch on this morning. I took an HPT before I did to be on the safe side: negative. How quickly things can take a turn. 

AF has to show up by June 5th in order for me to start. Even though I patched today, I'm a bit apprehensive to start again. Want it to work; afraid of what could happen either way... What if it doesn't work at all? What if it does work and I have another miscarriage? Trying not to let fear overwhelm me. 

I look at the bag of positive HPTs that I still have (haven't had the heart to throw them away) and wonder if I will ever see one of those again. 

Time will tell. 


Monday, May 25, 2015

Thursday, May 21, 2015

(almost) Off to the races

Been waiting for days to see an LH surge.  Finally got it this morning, which means I am ovulating today or tomorrow. So the next time AF starts (if she's on time), we'll be cycling again.  

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Having a good day

OK, I've had a lot of woe is me posts, so I had to put this one in. Had a good 1:1 today with my manager, and told B I was having a great day. That was even before I called Lou.boutin. Looks like I may have found my shoes. If so, I will be super duper happy. Here's to a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Birthday times and milestones

So B's birthday was yesterday. We went to a Brazilian steak house for dinner. I also got him this watch he wanted and his college diploma framed. He gave me my birthday present on Friday, which is nine days early. Got me a pair of Louboutins. Only they don't fit... run two whole sizes too small. I wear 10.5/11 and he bought a 42 (12) to be on the safe side; turns out I need a 43 which doesn't appear to exist. Apparently he went all over looking for these and wanting to do something to cheer me up (next week would have marked the beginning of the second trimester). Instead of being really excited about such an extravagant present and a really sweet husband, I kept going through my head that this is another way that my body has failed me. But at least I snapped out of it before his day, and we had a good one. This morning I tested with my monitor, and it says that ovulation is likely to occur soon So I should surge tomorrow morning on Wednesday. I have to go back for bloodwork on Wednesday to see if the happy event has happened.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Back in the saddle

So as of Thirsday, I'm officially not pregnant. For my first negative Beta since March 23rd. AF, not to be outdone, came on Saturday. By my calculations, I needed it by Sunday to be able to cycle in June if things are on my normal schedule, so right on track. I go back on Thursday  for bloodwork. They are monitoring me for ovulation so I can be patched right after. So nervous. 

Monday, May 4, 2015

Bellies, Bellies, Everywhere...

... and not a one for me. I feel like you do when you get a new car, and suddenly you see that make, model and color everywhere. Everywhere I go, I see them. My neighbors were pulling shower decorations out of their car when I got home yesterday. In the cosmetics store, a pregnant salesperson was talking to a pregnant customer. It's a shame that even the chicken in the Bur.ger.King commercial is pregnant, and I'm not. There's no escaping the bellies or the comments... salesperson in a store asked me if I wanted to have kids. I just said "sure." As for me, I'm pretty sure I'm officially not pregnant. Started spotting yesterday, so looks like AF is on her way. Here's hoping for a better "round two".

Thursday, April 30, 2015

WTF appointment and other updates

So since I have some downtime, I figured I'd share my WTF appointment details. For those unfamiliar, it's exactly what it sounds like: an appointment where you discuss what the f**k went wrong. The first thing Dr. E said was, "you're feeling better." Nice to know that my face contorted in pain didn't go unnoticed ;) He is actually pretty optimistic about another cycle--only thing he would change is maybe triggering me a day earlier. He also wants to start monitoring me as soon as AF comes back to see when I'm going to ovulate, and then patch me. So if all goes well, probably cycling again by the end of May. I'm both anxious and afraid. And also looking at some grants to ease the financial stress. I've shared a bunch of stories recently about doctors, nurses, phlebotomists (love that word!) with sucky bedside manners... let me just say that my primary nurse L has really been great. I was sitting with Dr. E at the appointment, and she was calling to check on me. Then Miss D, who has taken my blood many times, didn't know about the outcome of my cycle. After I told her, she let me talk about it and she cried a little with me and gave me a hug. Quality healthcare really does take quality people.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

A little bit pregnant...

This is what the nurse said to me when she told me my beta... "You're still a little bit pregnant." Beta is down to 6.36. So I'll be back next week to check again. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Switched up

I was going to give the scoop on my WTF appointment (will explain what that is later) but now I'm switching it up. Having a moment right now.

Not having a good night. In case anyone was remotely curious about my new photo, it's because I was talking to my sister-in-law on Saturday, and she starts singing the Barbie Girl song. When I ask her why, she says it's my ring tone...

I told B, and he almost injured himself laughing so hard. 

I'm trying to own it and show that I have a sense of humor, but I'm really offended. I just started thinking about what it says about their opinion of me... And then I went on FB and saw my first college boyfriend who got married after we did with pictures of his son. He was such an awful human being, but he gets to sit there with his little boy while I wait for remnants of my pregnancy to disappear. 

And then I thought about how I bend over backwards for people when I can, and this is how people close to me think it's OK to be towards me. And now I'm upset crying and giving myself a headache. 😔

If only I could focus on positive things. 

Beta was 33 as of last Thursday. Another one in the morning. Under 5 means I'm officially no longer pregnant. Experiencing some pain on the right side looks like I may get my period again soon. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Had to out myself to a message therapist

Went for a message yesterday during my trip. The spa form has a line that asks if you are currently or was recently pregnant. I had the fun of checking yes and then entering 0 weeks for how far along I was. 

We get started and she asks, so how old is your baby? Then I got to explain why I don't have one. 

Ugh. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Feeling much better

I called the doctor's office yesterday, and they called me in. Turns out that the pain was me passing the lining, and I'm just about done. So my body is super efficient in that way. They also gave me a prescription painkiller, which helped through the night and this morning. 

My HCG is now 760, so all physical traces may be gone pretty soon. Dr. E spoke to me yesterday, and said that he wants to touch base in a few weeks about next steps. He seems eager to try again.

I am on my way to work today for the first time. I told B that he would be able to get some work done since I wasn't curled up underneath him. He just patted my leg. One unexpected but good thing is that I feel like this has brought us even closer. 

I feel like tonight/tomorrow will be the hardest time. I will try to keep busy and hope these days pass quickly. 

It's been an interesting week. 

Sunday, April 12, 2015

So much pain

This is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. Emotionally, I've been through the ringer. Physically, I've never felt pain like this before in my life. Tylenol, heat... Nothing helps. Hurts so much that I'm nauseous. I've just called the dr's office. There's got to be something they can do. 

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Grieving

It's 5 am, and I'm awake. Not particularly helpful to know that I'm not having a bad dream. I think I prefer the unconscious world right now. Would be nice if I could stay asleep. 

Went to see my pastor yesterday. Started crying before I could even get it out. After I told him and we were talking, he cried with me. I told him that I haven't cried like this since my grandfather died, so I guess I was overdue. To that he said that grief is cumulative, so that I'm mourning his loss again as well. Imagine that. 

I also told him that I'd love to cry nonstop for like 24 hours and then be a normal person again, but I know it doesn't work that way. I also know that it's part of the healing process. I'm just tired, I guess. Insomnia will do that to you. 

I have to decide whether or not to have a D&C. When I was younger, I only knew this as an abortion. My heart rebels a little at doing this, but a friend who has had 2 miscarriages said that it can be helpful  to know what may have gone wrong, and she wishes she'd done it earlier. Plus It avoids the pain of passing the remaining lining. I have to decide soon. 

Just got the results of the beta HCG that my doctor took on Tuesday afternoon. It dropped from. 11,996 at the hospital to 6000 eleven hours later. My nurse didn't see the notes with the emergency room level, so she called me yesterday to say it went up. Ugh. 

One day I will write down the horrific ER experience I had, but not today. Today I'm just going to pray that it gets a little easier. A quote from Sleepless in Seattle just popped into my head:  
   Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every    morning... breathe in and out all day   long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for while. 

I got out of bed yesterday, and left the house. I know I'm not in a dark place; just a sad one. Intellectually, I know that trouble doesn't last always. I also know that I'm not the first person to go through this. I just wasn't really prepared for this particular valley. 

Lord, give me strength. 

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

A night in the ER

I don't know how long this post will be, because I don't know how I'm feeling right now. 

After bleeding and passing some clots, I decided that I had to go to the ER. It's been a long night. 

Well, they want me to follow up with my doctor to be sure, but they said that they don't see anything in my uterus. Cervix is still closed, and Beta is over 11000. But they are not seeing anything but "interference". 

There is a tiny part of me that wants to cling to the hope that they just didn't know what they were doing in this $h*thole of a hospital, and that the ultrasound tech at my regular doctor's will find it. The rest of me just sits and cries. 

I haven't decided which I prefer - not being successful, or saying an early goodbye. 

Saturday, April 4, 2015

Lost a long post

So I started a huge update yesterday and lost it. I'm not much in a great mood today, so I will just say that we saw the sac (yay!) and it's in the right place (super yay!!!!)

Thursday, April 2, 2015

5 weeks 4 days pregnant - lots of thoughts

I've had a multitude of emotions over the last few days. So many conversations with doctors where I they tell me one thing looks good, but something else is iffy. I go from being calm to anxious to excited to numb. I've spotted or bled almost every day.  I wish there was a label that told me when to worry and when everything was fine. 

Dr. L is the fellow who did the ultrasound during my transfer. I saw her yesterday when I was bleeding. She told me my HCG levels should be double what they were and the bleeding could be my body aborting. Great conversation. 

Well they took my blood again. Dr. E calls me yesterday evening and says that my HCG went to 4342, so it doesn't look ectopic. It more than doubled in a day!

This morning Dr. L calls me and tells me that my HCG levels look normal, so that's really good. Also that they are going to have me go to the hospital and do am ultrasound, which will be read by the head of the radiology department. He will let us know if it's ectopic and should be able to see the sac. So in the next 3.5 hours, I should know something.

I may post twice today. Just had to get it out. This blog and my IF friends are the only ways to really get this out. Sadly, only someone who has been through this really and truly gets it. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Random thought - 5 weeks & 3 days pregnant

Short post today. Have an appointment tomorrow, and will fill you in then on the appointments, E2 levels, spotting, etc. So before I lost 27 pounds, I have had people ask me if I was pregnant on occasion. My answer was always, "No; I'm just fat". I will probably just ask why they ask as opposed to sharing at this point, but at least I won't get my feelings hurt ;)

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Roller coaster of a day (LONG)

More joys and fears. I go in for Beta 4 and they call me in for blood almost right away. Takes me longer to park and walk from the car. Great start! Nurse calls me during church. Fortunately, I'm sitting on the aisle, so I whisper to wait a second  into the phone and then speed walk out of the sanctuary. Nurse V (not my usual one) tells me Beta is 800. Wow. She doesn't have my estrogen level but doesn't give off any worried vibes. She tells me to schedule my scan tomorrow and that minus my first beta, my rises are textbook. Even greater news!

I decide not to worry about the estrogen and just enjoy being pregnant. I actually post on a pregnant after infertility board. 

And then I start spotting again. Ugh. It would be nice to be like those people who sneeze and get pregnant, and never worry about viability. My sorority sister told her manager the minute she was confirmed at 4 weeks! My whole family knew my sister was pregnant with her first at 5 weeks. Instead, I get to be concerned about every little twinge. I really don't like being neurotic. I want totally calm, serene. But now I have to call the doctor on call because I am feeling weird twinges and spotting and the panic sets in. 

Dr. P tells me that my beta is great and the ectopic concerns aren't really there anymore since the beta number is so fantastic now. Also that my estrogen has gone up a little more. That's a bit of a comfort. 

Damn spotting scares the crap out of me. 


Saturday, March 28, 2015

If it ain't one thing...

...it's another. 

I've taken a few days to write to process where I am. 

I'm pregnant. 

So excited to say that. Beta #3 yesterday. Nurse calls me at 4:15, way later than she normally does. Beta is 300!!! It's quadrupled again. I'm actually excited!

Then she says, my estrogen is really low. So I have to go back tomorrow. Praying that beta doubles and my E2 goes up. So I can stay pregnant. Lord have mercy. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

15dp3dt

I am hereby declaring myself insane. Was so happy to hear the news from the nurse and the doctor that beta had risen, especially since my neighbor told me that the doctor only calls with good news (I won't tell you how I felt when I saw the nurse's number on Monday). 

But I digress... Where was I? Oh yes... Innnnssssaaaaanne. I have been "POAS"ing (peeing on a stick-way to refer to taking home pregnancy tests) since Friday. So it's Thursday and I've taken 4:
- Friday morning
- Monday afternoon 
- Tuesday morning (though not first pee)
- Wednesday evening

I even plan to go to the store to get a digital one so I can see the word. 

Even worse is the fact that I still have them all and take pictures to compare (see below). 

Yep. Certifiable. 





Wednesday, March 25, 2015

14dp3dt - Still in the game

So just heard back from the nurse. Beta quadrupled to 71.6!!! I have to go back on Friday for number three. I remain prayerfully thankful and optimistic :). 

Monday, March 23, 2015

Beta day - optimism (LONG)

Today I am 13dp3dt. Yesterday was my Beta day. 

I have been a little quiet for the last few days; mainly because I tested early (on Friday) and got a big fat negative test. I knew that it wasn't over, and didn't want to obsess. 

On Saturday, however, I started cramping and spotting. I just knew it was over then, but I held it together even though I was a little sad. 

Decided to take yesterday off so that I could be emotional away from the office if necessary. Originally, I was just going to turn off my phone, but I decided that the longer I have to deal it before returning to work, the better. My neighbor told me that if the nurse calls, its negative, but the doctor will call with positive news. I recollect that B's mom didn't know she was pregnant until 5 months because she was still getting what she thought was a light period, and I have a little hope. I say a fervent prayer. 

B is giving me lots of hugs and kisses, but I don't really want to be bothered. 
I am trying to hold it together and am afraid the extra shows of affection will make me lose it. 

My phone rings about 2 and I see the nurse's number. I already know what she's going to tell me... 

Except I don't. She's starts off with, "Unfortunately, I don't have good news for you... It's positive, but the number is low."

Wait... POSITIVE?!?!

So, I'm actually pregnant.  I have to go back on Wednesday to repeat the test, and am praying and hoping that the number keeps going up. I relate the news to B and he's super cocky now; he keeps telling me that I have to have faith and know that I will be OK regardless. He doesn't get that just because I'm a little sad doesn't mean that I'm not OK. 

Except, that I'm no longer sad. I know the nurse is trying to be cautious, but I have to get this far in order to keep going.  I go upstairs and take another test... and see a faint blue line. First time ever! And for the first time in a long while I am truly optimistic. 

Thursday, March 19, 2015

8dp3dt

I was trying to publish every day so that those feverishly searching the web for symptoms might have a list to go by, but I fell asleep yesterday. Was totally sick at work yesterday and still feeling out of sorts. Completely my fault; I'm not used to fried food anymore. 

Today, I'm feeling queasy and my stomach hurts, but that is likely from yesterday. Sleepy, even though I slept for a reasonable time. Have a bruise on one cheek from the shots. 

I may test tomorrow instead of waiting for Sunday. Stay tuned...

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

6dp3dt

Good morning and Happy St. Patrick's Day! It is 7:11, and my head is still under the covers. Should be up, but I'm a little tired; not sleeping well. Of course, I'm actually awake since I'm blogging, but the covers are over my head ;). 

I have my green all picked out--I'm not Irish, but it's fun anyway. Some luck this week would be nice as I continue waiting. 

Temperature appears to be back up today. Will watch it for the next few days. 

Had a dream that I decided to test this morning and it was positive. Got super excited. Didn't realize it was a dream until I woke up to tell B *insert eye roll here*. Talked myself out of actually testing this morning. 

Still having period-like symptoms (cramping, BMs). Last night had a small, grayish little mass when wiping... The optimistic part of me is thinking maybe a part of the zona pellucida didn't disintegrate before being discharged. 

Fingers crossed...

Monday, March 16, 2015

5dp3dt

I'm feeling kind of down today. My BBT has been lower the past couple of days and I'm crampy. Trying to stay positive. 

Have more milky discharge. Progesterone shots are starting to hurt


Sunday, March 15, 2015

4dp3dt

How the time just drags. As of now, I've decided to test next Sunday, the day before my scheduled test. Also, I may not answer the phone on Monday if it rings while I'm at work. My neighbor told me that the dr will call if I'm pregnant; else it's the nurse. Since his number is usually blocked, if I see a missed call from the office, I will know right away. Maybe I'll turn my phone completely off. 

Symptoms today:
White discharge, the color/consistency of milk
Enlarged inner labia
Slight headache

Also feeling slightly dehydrated, which is strange given the water I'm drinking. 

Some indigestion, but that has to do with eating a whole slice of lemon meringue cheesecake yesterday...

Also, have no idea what possessed me to try to do a cervical self exam today. Instant irritation and cramps! This is what happens when you try to find something to do to occupy your mind/time...

Saturday, March 14, 2015

3dp3dt

Don't have too much to say today, so I figured I'd just take note of my symptoms/side effects for now. Lots of lower abdominal pressure. Still bloated/gassy (it's amazing how much better I feel after the tiniest burp). Constipated (thanks progesterone! 😒) and a sore backside today--since B wasn't home yesterday, I had to do my shot myself. Couldn't reach the left side to save my life, so I had to do it on the right, which was the same side as the day before. Oh, the things we do.... Can't...stop...peeing! At least 5 times between 11 pm and 6 am. There's not that much water in the world. End result will be soon worth it. Praying that I have a nice 6 day blastocyst snuggling in!

Friday, March 13, 2015

2dp3dt - transfer details LONG

It's 5:30 am on the second day after my transfer (2 days post-3-day transfer, as the title of this post indicates). Since I'm awake, I figured I would share some details. 

During retrieval they told us that they would call on Wednesday at tell us if transfer would be that day, and that they are usually after 2 pm. I decide to go in the office so I am close by and ask B is he coming to be there or just afterwards to pick me up. He says he will be there. 

I find out at 12:15 that they want me to go up at 2, and i text him immediately. He calls me back at 12:55... He still has to shower.  Why would he wait until the last minute?!?!

I go up, and tell them that I'm waiting for my husband before I change. No problem. He gets there, then I go change and they take my vitals. 140/74! I've never had that high a blood pressure in my life!  The nurse asks me if I'm anxious about the procedure. I guess so! The woman next to me makes eye contact to wish me good luck, and I do the same. 

Back into the waiting room to drink more water for the requisite full bladder, then they call me again. No, B stays here. Oops! That different from my experience at the other place. Looks like he may have rushed unnecessarily. 

Go through the big white doors to another waiting area, where there are two people waiting already. The first one goes in, then the second. I'm noticing the pattern of when they are going to call the next person. Two more people come in, and we start talking, wishing each other luck.  Now it's my turn. 

I'm instructed to walk into this room that looks like it's the same one the retrieval was in. Everyone is in high spirits. Dr. C introduces himself and tells me he will do my transfer. Dr. L re-introduces herself to me and tells me that she will do my ultrasound. She knows that it will be uncomfortable with my bladder full, but not to pee on her; "pee on Dr. C instead."  I have to laugh. 

In goes the speculum and a catheter. Dr. L shows me the tip of the catheter on the ultrasound screen. Dr. C shows me a picture of the embryo...8 cells!!!! I'm really happy now, as that's better than the last time. Excitement kicks in big time. 

The embryologist comes in with the dish, and Dr. C inserts the embryo. They check to confirm that there's nothing left in the dish or tubes, and then I'm done. The nurse wishes me luck. Shifted to a mobile bed and wheeled to recovery. I turn my head and wave to the women waiting as we pass by and get thumbs up and best wishes in return. 

They call B into recovery to sit with me. He is amazed that it's done already and questions why he had to get there early. I brush off the comments and he goes back to his game on his phone. After half hour, a nurse comes in and says I can get dressed and go ether bathroom. So glad I was sparing with the water!

Dressed and on our way. A little crampy, but manageable. 

Now the wait begins. Had dinner with a former colleague last night, who is 6 months pregnant. Wanted to say, "I'm pregnant, too!" Hoping and praying that it's the case. Will find out in 10 more days. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Transfer day

Had my transfer today. It deserves a long post, but I'm not in the mood for it right now... Not in a bad mood, just don't feel like typing too long. Will give a comprehensive update later (probably tomorrow). 

Monday, March 9, 2015

What's luck got to do with it?

Waiting for retrieval yesterday, a doctor came in and began talking to this woman about the surgery he had done on her partner. He wanted to make sure he was ok... That sort of thing. As he left, he said, "Good luck today."

Luck. Hmmm. That started me thinking. Egg meets sperm. Sperm fertilized egg isn't that science? Or is it all really just magic? Why are some people born wealthy, and some poor? Is it the luck of the draw that people have kids they don't want, while others suffer through infertility? Who draws on my behalf? If This is the Lord's decision, why is this a cross that I must bear?

So now I've had my fertilization (fert) report: 3M retrieved, 2 fertilized, 1 normal. So I will hopefully be transferring one on Wednesday. 

These are the exact same numbers I got on the cycle that actually made it to transfer 3 years ago. 

Just a my luck. 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Trigger Happy

Sitting waiting to be seen for retrieval, so thought I'd recap the trigger. Last time I did it myself, but this time I told B that it was his job. 

Except it was one of his best friend's birthday weekends, and they were going to an after work thing, and he wasn't planning to be home at 11 when I had to trigger. I told him to go and I would do it myself. 

Mixing the HCG at 10:45, and in walks B. He came back specifically to give me the shot. Intramuscular with a 1.5" needle. He puts it in halfway. I tell him to keep going... and he pulls it out. I turn around more to ask him what he was doing, and he accidentally pricks me with the same needle right next to the spot he just pulled it from. Ugh!

Ok, third time... Halfway in again. I tell him to keep going... and he does ...very slowly. But finally it's in. 

He says he's ready to give me the progesterone shots, and the trigger was just a warm up. 

Lord help me. 😝

Friday, March 6, 2015

A little bit of knowledge...

...is a dangerous thing. Looking at my phone. I have no less than 6, count 'em: s-i-x apps tracking my cycles and fertility. all with slightly different nuances, but a little overkill nonetheless. Maybe I should I write my own... But I digress. One of the apps has an IVF cycle phase option, and tidbits of information pop up when you enter things like number of follicles, hormone levels, etc. One popped up that said mature follicles produce 200-300mg/ml of Estrogen. Naturally, I start worrying about my levels. Then I put in <4 follicles, and a stat comes up about the lack of success with that number. Super-encouraging, right? I've been meditating recently on how negative perspectives can drive negative outcomes. Maybe I should trash that app.

Monday, March 2, 2015

Quick update

I met up with some of my old colleagues last week. Got to hear that I look fabulous, and that leaving agrees with me. Felt good to have my decision validated that way. Sad that things have imploded and they all want to leave as well. As of now, I'm still stimming. I had a moment of feeling defeat when my E2 levels dropped, but it turned out that it was a byproduct of removing the Estrogen patch. I am becoming a total insomniac on my monitoring days, basically laying in the bed waiting for the alarm to go off. One nurse told me to get used to the sleepless nights. From her lips to God's ears... ;-)

Sunday, February 22, 2015

The only constant...

...is change. I took a long time off from blogging, which almost matches my break time from any ART. In that time: I've resigned from my job of ten years It was a hard decision, and frankly, I wasn't ready to leave. But I felt like God was leading me to a different place, and where He leads me, I try to follow. I believe it was the right decision, because I do feel that I am less stressed. My new commute is closer to home, I work less hours, and I've gotten a "raise". We a new job comes new insurance, so I have another opportunity to try again.

I've lost 27 pounds. This was no easy feat, and I'm proud of having done that. I would like to lose some more weight, but we will see how things go.

I've started with a new RE. This is officially cycle #4, even though I only got to transfer once. This new doctor has me on the Estrogen Priming Protocol with the patch. This is supposed to prevent one follicle from jumping out in front of the rest and giving the others a chance to catch up. The hope is that this produces more eggs. I started injections yesterday. Of course I start on the night we have to go to a party and in a snowstorm. There's nothing like being in a public bathroom shooting yourself up with fertility drugs ;)

That's all for now. I don't plan to blog every day, but will update when I have RE visits.

Peace and Blessings.